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Doing it wrong is the only thing I do right.
Saw a post stating "taking it one day at a time," so I responded "me too. That`s how days work."
Always have a goal... Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
Why do men fart more than women? Because women can`t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
Old meaning of sorry. "I won`t do it again." New meaning of sorry. "Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful."
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
No matter what the product, a good way to throw off an aggressive salesman is to interrupt him and ask, “Yes, but does it work on cats?”
I show my age when I`m in a club with all the 20 somethings.. Guess its because the last dance step I mastered was dancing like Gene Gene The Dancing Machine
The NFL has hired their first female referee ... She will be throwing flags for penalties the teams committed 5 years ago.
Every novel is a mystery, if you never finish it.
If you can`t read the bottom of the eye chart, spell something dirty. Eye doctors love that sh!t.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Spent 40 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.
I’m so old, I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything.
Let It Snow is my favorite song about people who don`t understand how weather works.