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says, I am not an alcoholic. I am a social drinker. Problem is, I socialize too much!
I would watch NASCAR if hot wheels designed the tracks.
Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.
I hate it when the movie trailer is better than the movie itself.
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, nevermind, you will know who you are soon enough
Remember when teachers asked to lie quietly with your head on your desk? My boss has yet to be impressed with this skill.
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon ....I think I`m gonna be pretty good at it.
By thigh gap you mean the distance between the KFC and my mouth right.
Inspirational status of the day: Don’t be a douche.
Now accepting friends that live on a lake and have a boat and/or jet skis
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah`s ark.
Have I been drinking? Clearly officer, you`re no detective
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. Good times.
I play hard to get along with.
The 4 stages of a relationship: 1. I like you 2. I love you 3. I hate you 4. Arson