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Oh, you’re surprised I’m still single? I’m surprised you can dress yourself. So I guess we’re even.
One quality I`m not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm. #FarmVille
The only time I`ve ever had a chip on my shoulder was when I tried to dump the entire bag into my mouth at once.
Turtle: I`m the slowest. Snail: No, me. Internet Explorer: Bitch, please
If things always went according to a plan…. life wouldn’t be interesting.
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pac Man, for 25 cents that bitch would swallow balls til she died!
I used to care ... but I take a pill for that now.
I have two moods: sleep is for the weak and sleeping for a week.
Word for the day is asstard
Just once I would like to see a liars pants actually catch on fire
I tried to login on my iPad. Turns out it was an etch-a-sketch and I don`t own an iPad. Also. I`m out of alcohol.
The girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy.. so I went out and got drunk.
Most of life is waiting for whatever you`re at to be over.
Learned a lesson from my dog tonight ... No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that sh1t and move on.
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna` be a great day.