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Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.
I bet my road rage would be taken more seriously if I spoke German
Never make an arm wrestle bet with a guy who has been single for longer than 6 months.
Relationships would be easier if people came with a “Clear History” button.
Baby gates are parents` way of saying "this area is locked until you’ve gained more experience."
It`s not their fault, per se, but at some point, Crayola has to be held responsible for continuing to make crayons nostril-width.
If your girl sets her Facebook relationship status to “Widowed”, it’s time to pack a suitcase as fast as possible.
I was going to do a time travelling joke but you guys didn`t like it.
What do bats eat that makes their sh!t our standard for crazy?
When I see a girl with too much makeup, I just want to use my finger to write "Wash Me" on her face.
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true.
Talking bout planets with my 8 yr old. He asked if you can just plow thru Uranus because it`s all gas. I cannot respond maturely.
My Facebook weather forecast looks like I can expect 2 or 3 inches of drama tonight followed by a lot of bullsh!t blowing in from all directions in the morning.
The sooner one of you ladies takes ‘one for the team’ and becomes my girlfriend, they sooner I leave the REST of you alone!
The only difference between McDonald`s and my work is McDonald`s has only got one clown running the show.