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I`ve polished the mirror in the bathroom so much, you can see your face in it.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
I wish my GPA looked like the gas prices right now...
Sorry I said "You`ll Do" instead of "I Do" at our wedding.
This status is dedicated to whatever you’re ignoring in real life to read it.
Cant imagine the look on Obamas face when he saw `Olympus Has Fallen`..His next quote would have been.."No more Taiwans in the secret Elevetor office"
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn’t have couches at this Best Buy
Next time you see someone you don`t like, begin conversation with "I see the assassins have failed."
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.
One day I shall rule the World! Until then, I am going to bed. Good Night :D
Instead of ‘gay friends’ can we say homiesexuals
I`m angrier than a waitress forced to sing happy birthday
I`ve accidentally swallowed a load of scrabble pieces.........My next poop could spell trouble.
She lost me at, "I don`t watch football."