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My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Has anyone ever seen a gorilla in the mist? Some of the local drivers struggle to see my car in perfect daylight conditions, so I doubt that they`d spot a Gorilla in limited visibility!!!!!
Today is different because after you lie to someone, you tell them you were lying.
I never got the expression "complete idiot". Is there an Incomplete version?
I should`ve married myself. I`ve never said no to sex. Not once. Not one single time ever.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Accidentally took a women`s multi vitamin & I`ve been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.
Sometimes I get so mad at myself for being too lazy that I don`t even do anything about it.
I made a salad with red wine vinaigrette only I left out the vinegar and the oil and ok it`s just lettuce with wine all over it. Anyhoo, I`m drunk.
In an alternate universe somewhere, all the ducks are making white girl faces.
Actually officer, I`d prefer to think that vodka smells like me.
I`m at my most badass when I`m popping a wheelie with a shopping cart.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
Disneyland. The world’s biggest people trap, built by a mouse.