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I`ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don`t know karate.
Dang I didn`t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
People always get offended when you call their baby ugly, but they never understand that they`ve offended you by showing you an ugly baby.
I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become
Doing word problems as a kid has helped me in adulthood. "Dan doesn`t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?"
Dont piss me off...I`ll give your number to all the kids and tell them it`s Santa`s hot line!
I have never walked toward the exit of a supermarket without nervously wondering if I`ve stolen something.
Sometimes I post crazy shit just to see if my friend`s list will drop a few #`s
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming.
That moment when you realize the object of #WeightWatchers is NOT see who can score the most points...
Would you like to save money on your car insurance? Walk ... Just sayin
Screw doing situps...teddy bears don`t and everyone loves them.
Answering all questions with "but you ain`t got no legs Lieutenant Dan" stops people from asking you questions.
My ice bucket challenge: 1. Buy bucket 2. Add ice 3. Add 12 beers 4. Sign into FB and drink