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My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don`t run into anyone you know
I called one of those numbers in the bathroom stall and my wife answered. Very funny guys.
I once found a whip, a mask, a baton and handcuffs in my Mother-in-Law`s draw... who knew she was a superhero. Nice!!!
I order all my food with extra gluten.
Don`t put off until tomorrow what you can avoid the rest of your life.
1: Say "Unh! 2: Mumble three spanish words. 3: list four cities. You just made a Pitbull song.
The color 9 is my favorite letter.
That awkward moment when u start telling a story only to realise no one is listening so you slowly fade out and pretend to have said nothing.
I`m just looking for a reason not to drink
The only reason I keep my land line is for the eventuality that this is The Matrix.
I don`t have dirty mind ...I just hav a sexy imagination. ..
What would I give the woman who has everything? Well, my phone number for a start.
My doctor said I need to workout with dumb-bells. Would any of you like to go jogging with me?
Rabbits jump & they live for 8 yrs. Dogs run & they live for 15 yrs. Turtles don’t do anything & they live for 150 years. LESSON LEARNED!
Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong.