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I`m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn`t incorporated into more American Holidays.
For Halloween I`m going as an invisible person. I will be at all your parties.
Let´s drink tequila till you don´t remember what I suggest next..
9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
There are a thousand better ways to spend your time and yet here you are with me.
Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.
Scientists say the Universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons... They forgot to add Morons.
I just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.
I`ve been waiting all winter to start complaining about the summer heat.
Every conversation should come with a snooze button. That way if you`re being too boring, I can push a button and keep you from talking for the next 10 minutes.
My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead. It`s pain only for others. It`s the same thing when you are stupid.
This status update is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you would not have been notified.
Rich people have rehab. Poor people have jail.
I want to take this moment to thank the depends adult diaper company for allowing me to play my video game for a strait 8 hours uninterupted...