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Thought I saw a kangeroo today turned out to be a greyhound taking a dump !
Tomorrow, history will be made. Months and months of advertisements and anticipation has led up to this historic day. America will see firsthand what is surely to be a historic event, and I am proud to say I will do my part and pick up my copy of Halo 4.
Things I use duct tape for, by percentage: Pranks: 35% Car repair: 35% Wrapping presents: 20% Medical emergencies: 10% Ducts: 0%
I flunked anger management class.
Does anyone know how much water I`m supposed to add to this baby powder, to make an infant?
My girlfriend just accused me of being unfaithful. I told her that is ridiculous and that she is starting to sound like my wife.
Unless otherwise stated, I have no idea what Iām talking about.
I understand vampires being invisible in mirrors, but what the hell happens to their clothes?
If anyone has any terrible ideas, I`ve historically been very open to them.
Singing in the shower is illegal according to this Ikea security guard.
Do you think the inventor of the USB will be buried twice? The 2nd time because they put him in the wrong way?
Saw some girl pull up to her mailbox, open her door & then fall entirely out of her car while reaching for the mail ... JK ...It was me.
There is no vulnerable feeling like when you are about to sneeze ... with a mouthful of rice.
What do 95% of men do after an orgasm? Delete their browser history.
I sneak alcohol into work because I`m a problem solver.