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You do realize everyone can see your status right?
Note to self... next time my wife asks what`s on tv, don`t say dust
If you ever find lotion on a guy`s night stand, it`s not because he wants to moisturize his skin.
If my "check engine" light would check my wallet, it would know there`s nothing I can do about it.
I don`t know why I don`t buy more piñatas. Like right now I would love to beat the shit out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.
I`ve started an elimination diet, It`s where I eliminate anyone from my life who talks about their diet.
If I ever sound inspriational, one of us is drunk.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Do you know what this house is missing? A box of $#!+, Let`s get a cat.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others. The rest of us have to be the others.
Where is the "Made In China" labels made?
I hate waiting until I`m dead. I want to haunt people now dammit.
I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping. Unfortunately it cost me my YMCA membership.
LSD makes users lose weight ... That makes sense. It`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.
I`ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I`m actually talking to someone.