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Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, "Please wear."
I wasn`t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullsh!t I`ll put up with before I catch on.
Ya know once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it´s hard to get it back in.
Today, I am doing my part to conserve energe, I’m going back to bed.
Save your breath ... You`ll need it later to blow up your date.
Wow, I just melted a piece of ice by staring at it. Took a little longer than I thought it would.
My idea of getting lucky is having someone else do the laundry.
When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones? I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones?
So bored at work I can`t even think of something to goggle
Being an adult is mostly waiting to leave places you didn`t want to go to in the first place.
Take time to reflect upon your day. Think of all the blessings you received, and everything you may be called to testify about :)))
Getting that beach body is easy. You just have to know where to dig.
Why the hell isn`t the iphone`s battery life called "Apple Juice."
I wanna lie on the floor and not think for a month or two.