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Opposites attract, that’s the trouble with being awesome.
Driving with your gas tank door open is the equivalent to having your zipper down.
I bet Captain Crunch has some amazing abs.
Every parent’s superpower is the ability to communicate “I love you!” and “I will kill you!” with a single look.
My fortune cookie read "End of roll. Replace"
My kids are the reason I wake up every morning. Really freaking early. Every...Single...Morning...
People say that 60 is the new 40. The cop who pulled me over didn`t agree.
When Life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide.
I haven`t lost all of my marbles but there is definitely a hole in the bag.
My box of animal crackers says "May contain nuts." So I`m inspecting each animal before I eat it...just in case.
Nobody tell my husband that "year round periods" aren`t a thing.
Can`t we all just hit a bong?
My mind is like "LETS DO THIS SH!T" but my body is like "calm down motherf*cker"
My parents never asked me to run away from home, but there were many unexplained one way tickets.
We’ll be friends until we’re old and senile. Then we’ll be new friends all over again.