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I hate grocery shopping. That`s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I`m getting, but it sure is faster.
Just heard about the Obamacare deadline and I`m freaking out. I have so many questions. Who is Obama?
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I did last year.
I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.
Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest I’ll ever get to being a magician.
I`ve probably spent a solid year of my life just staring into the refrigerator
Keep calm and pretend today isn’t Monday.
Don`t waste your time being difficult. Put forth a little more effort and be impossible.
If you ever get caught sleeping during work, just slowly raise your hand and say "In Jesus name I pray, Amen."
What supermarket did the pilgrims visit to purchase their canned gelatin cranberry sauce? I want my Thanksgiving to be authentic.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around. Observe them. Write down notes.
I wish banks would do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled. This is the fourth one I`ve been to that is saying "Insufficient Funds."
A girl updated her facebook status saying: All men are dogs and I commented • Which breed is your dad?
First, Ray Rice. Now, Adrian Peterson. The prison football league is going to be off the chain this year.
Young enough to know I can. Old enough to know I shouldn`t. Stupid enough to do it anyway.