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Tomorrow is International "Cook a Steak and Then Throw It to a Seagull" Day. Get involved. Don`t question it.
Try sliding down a water slide without running water to realize how important foreplay is
How do I tell my boss I don`t want to do work anymore but still want money.
Every woman is beautiful in her own unique way. Sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it.
I had to leave the bowling alley right in the middle of the game. I didn`t have time to spare.
Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.
I inject vodka right into the orange. Screwdriver-to-go
Life would be more simple if the person who named the orange an orange would have named more things. ;) Just Sayin`
My Ex-Wife: Our relationship is like being in prison! ME: I don’t think so. People have sex in prison.
It`s amazing how tired I get from how little I do.
Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat."
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
If da Vinci were alive today, the "Mona Lisa" would have been called "IMG-20121020-00463.jpg"
Studies show it’s totally okay for me to just say “studies show” in front of whatever I want to say.
Gravity didn`t seem this strong twenty-five years ago.