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My daughter just explained to me that these dinner postings were not real invites. I have to apologize to all my friends out there for showing up last week.
If Plan A doesn’t work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.
Some people look for a perfect relationship, but all I want is a cheeseburger that looks like the ones on commercials!
Im at a beer tasting today..so far they all taste the same out of this case...well done Budweiser...well done!!
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
why hello there stalker! Enjoying my profile?(=
Saying “do I smell popcorn ” right after you fart, so everyone takes in a deep breath.
I want to grow my own food but I can`t find any bacon seeds.
I’ve got bad news: Today is not Friday, Tomorrow is not Friday, Even the day after tomorrow is not Friday.
500 recipes pinned to my Pinterest board. Eating a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Dear family, thank you for all those wonderful childhood memories ... Here`s my therapy bill.
I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive, but things went sour when I said "and that`s not just the booze talking either".
Confucius would have been great at Status Updates......
To all my friends who sent me best wishes for 2013, for 2014 could you please send money, alcohol or petrol vouchers…Cheers!
All I’m saying is, you’ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time.