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Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I`m typing this with my middle finger.
I asked my kid “do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?” He said, “Sure! It’s so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”
How can we call ourselves "evolved" when signs are needed to remind people to wash their hands after they go to the bathroom
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol? Me: Why? What`ve you got?
you know why maths is unhappy? because it got so many problems.
Why do hospitals need to advertise? It`s not like I`m going to go to Home Depot instead.
When someone tells you they are getting a divorce, a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told, twice now.
Any guy can seem cool on a motorcycle. If you really want to know what kind of man you`ve got, watch him walk through a spider web.
I`ve said it before and I`ll say it again: it before
Saw a bird sh*t on my car, so I ate scrambled eggs on my front step, just to show him what I`m capable of.
I`m starting to think that Dr. Dre isn`t a real doctor after all...
Y`all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
All of my plans for the future start out with “when I get rich”
My motto for the night ... drink till I no longer think :)