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I smile when I`m having dirty thoughts :)
I don`t need glasses ... I drink straight from the bottle.
The ‘poke’ button on Facebook should be replaced with a ‘slap’ button.
Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it
Sure you can try and tell me what to do. Or you can keep your teeth.
When I`m happy, I drink and when I drink, I`m happy. Win/Win!!
I didn`t see anyone important today so I`m going to wear the same clothes tomorrow.
If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn’t even be nominated.
Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."
The human race is the only one that lets its idiots live a full life...
I`m no cactus expert, but I know a pr!ck when I see one
This beer is making me awesome !! ;)
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
Nobody talk to me until I`ve Instagrammed my coffee.
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up -- In 30 minutes? In 3 hours? In 9 years? No one can ever be sure.