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We are so fortunate not to live in China, they have to hide their posts in cookies.
I heard someone say their podcast was on "hiatus", guess that sounds better than "my mom took away my laptop".
Sit-ups are my favorite form of exercise because I get to lay down every few seconds.
Oops is farting in the elevator and thinking it would be silent.
So much to say. So not drunk enough to say it.
I`m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I`ve given the bird to lots of people today.
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I`m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
I am surprised Cheech and Chong have not filmed a new movie -"Cheech and Chong Smoke Colorado"
If I have to stir it, it’s homemade.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
My alarm clock is clearly jelouse of my amazing relationship with my bed.
I`m a very modest person, mostly because I`m awesome.
I`m not ignoring your calls, I just love my ringtone.
If you get pulled over, ignore the cop and tell him that your mommy told you not to talk to strangers.