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Thanks to Facebook i now know what everyones bathroom looks like.
Putting vodka in my juice, because it`s Russia somewhere.
There`s a big difference between knowing what time the liquor store closes, and what time it opens.
Does everyone have that one dumb ass that finds you on Facebook and will not give up? Repeated friend requests, inbox messages, and follows my pages. It is driving me nuts. I understand at some point I will have to give in, but just because I am married to her doesn`t mean I have to like her, right?
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how`s your day going?
The woman that just drove past me was either doing a huge yawn or her brakes have failed....
I don`t get why people find drunk texts annoying. You`re the person they`re thinking of when their brain can`t even function properly.
shoutout to people who have money but still order off the dollar menu
This cashier looked at my 12 bottles of weed spray so weirdly, I suspect she`s never broken a lawnmower before.
When people tell me knock knock jokes, I pretend I`m not home.
Money may not buy happiness but it can certainly improve the quality of your misery
If someone tells you `I love you` but you don`t feel the same way and don`t wanna make it awkward just say `I love YouTube` really fast
I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.
"Do you have a charger?" is the new "Could I bum a cigarette?"
My wife just changed here facebook status from "Married" to "widowed", should I be scared?