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I wish I could talk to donkeys so I could be known as the ass whisperer.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!
Golf, except there`s no balls or clubs or anything, and you just drive around in a cart and drink.
I`m not always rude. Sometimes I`m sleeping.
When I think of a SELFIE, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of...
1, 2 Freddie´s coming for u 3, 4 better lock the door 5, 6 grab your crucifix 7, 8 gotta say up late 9, 10 never sleep again
It´s Friday!! yea! Oh sorry, I was just practicing.
My neighbor`s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how in love you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper placemats with puzzles... game on!
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
When I was a kid “The Server Is Down” meant your waiter was depressed.
Black Friday at my house consist of pants 100% off
I noticed you’re not yourself today. I really like it.
You never know how many people you dislike until you have to name your child.