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That horrible feeling you get when you`re not asleep anymore.
I’ll call it a “smart phone” the day I yell, “Where’s my phone?!” and it answers, “I’m here! Under your covers!”
Never trust anyone who says “Im not supposed to tell anyone but”
If you have a tattoo on your face, you`ve lost the right to ask me what I`m looking at.
Holy sh!t! I just opened a bag of cheddar and sour cream Ruffles and one of the chips was plain. This is a sign, man. God is going to smite all of us f*ckers with his wrath and send us to all to burn in the eternal flames of... Sorry. Just one side of the chip was plain. Carry on.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100`s of strangers` mouths
I wonder if the psycho hitchhiker ever gets picked up by the psycho driver. Now there`s a movie I`d pay to see.
“Shh.. Do you hear that?” “What? I heard nothing.” “Exactly, it’s the sound of no one caring.”
I only eat the entire pint of ice cream in one sitting so that I won`t be tempted to eat it later.
If your girl sets her Facebook relationship status to “Widowed”, it’s time to pack a suitcase as fast as possible.
Your girl always on her knees. What she forgot she had feet?
A man is as faithful as his options
No, I do not want to talk about how I got all these scratches. On a completely unrelated note; If you`ve ever wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase,,,.. it’s 9.
I`m living in a drama-free bubble today. Respect the bubble, people, respect it!
In my defense Your Honor, I thought she had been stung by a jellyfish.