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When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
Maybe cologne should come with a two sprays a day lock on it.
I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.
For every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction. Plus a social media overreaction.
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, `You`re only interested in one thing,` and you can`t remember what it is.
I quit my job and handed in my badge and gun to my boss, he said, why do you have a gun? You work at McDonald’s.
Beer is like sex. When it’s good it’s good…when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.
I hate it when totally random strangers ask me stupid questions like "Why are you licking me?"
Think about how much more stressful life`s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
I`m not saying I`m out of shape but I just stretched, got winded, and need to lie down
I’m not single and I’m not committed… I’m simply on reserve for the one who deserves…
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says "welcome"...
Today somebody called me a model! Well they said "poster boy for birth control", but I knew what they meant.
I just need someone to feed me and tell me I’m pretty.