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Are you reading this from a toilet? I’m writing this from one.
Have we even tried giving Mother Nature a Snickers?
Every now and then when I`m in a room alone I say out loud, "I know you`re listening". If I`m wrong, nobody knows. If I`m right, I just freaked the hell out of some guy.
It only takes 2 ingredients to make a baby. Does that not blow your mind. Like at least there should be some flour or something.
My brain is about as well organized as the Walmart $5 dvd bin.
It’s interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering
Very few things upset my wife. So, it makes me feel rather special to be one of them.
Nobody on television curses more than the Roadrunner.
Speed bumps can turn into speed ramps depending on who`s car I`m borrowing.
Next time a conspiracy theorist says, "That`s what they want you to think," say, "No, but that`s what they wanted you to tell me."
All through school I assumed they saved the number 1 pencils for the smart kids
Here`s where I draw the line: ___________________________.
At least I know it wasn`t just me that was wondering if the cashier was a man or a woman. I just wish that my 5 year old didn`t ask.
I`m glad I don`t work in an office. I can only imagine the smell at lunch time when everybody opens their egg salad sandwiches today.
If a dwarf smokes weed does he get high or medium?