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Now there’s Adderall to perk up, Xanax to calm down, Prozac to feel normal. In my day we drank beer for all three.
Given enough coffee, I could rule the world.
some people just need a hug...around the neck...with a rope!!
No one knows what women really want, but everyone agrees it still won`t be enough.
I`m trying to cut back on posting pics to Instagram, so I`m not going to eat anymore.
Marriage is like playing Monopoly. It starts out as fun, gets a little boring, then someone steals money from the bank and no one ever wins.
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I`m sexy!" Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
I`m just chilling tonight with my new plane ... Oops, I`ve said too much.
Guys, how many times have you said "it looks great honey" when you really are just laughing inside?
I have a few skeletons in my closet. But, every single one of them deserved it.
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of reasons why I drink in the first place?
It`s not you, it`s me. I just don`t like myself when I`m around you.
What if there actually is one legit Nigerian millionaire prince who genuinely needs to use your bank account?
Geez....Why do they only make hand creams that smell feminine? Why can`t they they make one with a masculine scent? Something like Doritos or WD-40?
Life gave me onions ... Onionade sucks.