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*Removes smoke detector battery *Cooks in silence
I love hearing rumors about me...that`s how I find out what I`ve been doing.
The awkward moment when you set something down for a second and it disappears off the face of the earth.
Whenever I move into a new neighborhood, the first thing I familiarize myself with is the liquor store coz you know priorities.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
I get a real kick out of people who drive a mile in their car to run a mile on a treadmill.
I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my mother in law who lives all alone at 48 W Main St, bldg C, Apt 32 on the 3rd floor.
Never hire a color blind Bomb Technician.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Sorry I said "What is it?" when you showed me your baby.
I`m sexy and I know it really is....... your slutty and you blow it.
Beautiful people are more beautiful when surrounded by ugly people
Did you ever wonder why the cat was in the bag in the first place?
Black holes must be where God divided by zero.