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There`s nothing as wonderful as waking up in the morning next to a gorgeous smiling face. So I keep a mirror next to my bed.
My hair only looks good on days when no one important sees it.
We are the only ones who can control our own happiness, but sometimes it feels like someone else is holding the remote.
Did you ever notice how a woman’s “I’ll be ready in 5min” and a guys “I’ll be home in 5min” are one and the same?
finally joined craigs list. who wants to see my junk?
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad.
It isn`t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
Why are clothes so expensive? I shouldn`t have to pay so much to not be naked. Other people should pay me not to be naked.
The phrase "Go see your Ford dealer" means something completely different in Canada than the United States.
I don`t work that hard, I just make everything look way more difficulat than it is...
All I`m saying is if I`m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and hold on, are those nuts?
Every pair of panties can be a thong if your a$$ is big enough.
I`m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.