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In today`s world, the key to success is to delete your Whatsapp account!
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered.
Taco Bell drive-thru should have a “I’m Feeling Lucky” button.
Some of the best things in life...are mistakes.
My Bills are so big that I have to call them William now.
Warranty – A notice telling the buyer when the product that was just purchased will no longer function.
Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in. Those inside are desperate to get out
Haiku`s confuse me / Too often they make no sense / Hand me the pliers
There is no peer pressure like washing your hands because someone else walked into the bathroom.
Stop Instagramming words. I`m not following you for your thoughts. Take off your f*cking shirt.
Why do single women take dating advice from other single women? That`s like Stevie Wonder giving driving directions to Ray Charles.
I`d love to drown my problems... I just can`t get my spouse to go swimming!
"Hey bro shotgun this beer" No I don`t drink "You wanna be cool don`t you?" I don`t drink "C`mon NERD!" Grandma PLEASE stop
Any of you had a friend that borrowed your sh!t and kept it for so long you had to borrow it back..
I`m tired of making the same mistakes over and over again. Does anyone have any new mistakes I can borrow?