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Spoiler alert: this milk expired five days ago
Trying to learn Mandarin Chinese but the amount of money I`m spending on fortune cookies is getting ridiculous.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
If you piss off a girl, just play dead. That sh!t works with bears and they`re just as dangerous as angry women.
Life is short, break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably and never regret anything that made you smile ?
I`m fat, but I blame my dog for not exercising me enough.
Asking a girl what exactly she looks for in a guy is like asking her "what exactly do I have to do to get friendzoned?
It`s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
Apparently dyslexia is not a good excuse for driving 53 in a 35.
I told everybody at work that I`ve got 18 cats just to make sure none of them ever want to come over for anything.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick.....Till you`re standing outside watching your house burn.
I don`t even know why chicks spend so much time and money on their hair when all guys look at is their tits.
Played hide and seek today. I was winning until the cops let the K9 off of the leash.
People say 60 is the new 40 but the cop who just pulled me over doesn`t agree.
They`re all cop cars when you`re this high.