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It`s been a boring day today. Not exactly Nascar boring, but awfully close.
Got a problem with me? I’m pretty sure a status on Facebook won’t fix it.
One of the major benefits of using a combined 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner is having enough room leftover on the shower caddy for the beer.
People assume I’m smart when they see my glasses case. Then they see that I use it to store a Snickers bar and they recognize my true genius.
Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts.
Patience Is When Playing TETRIS And U Let Those Bricks Fall On Their Own Without Speeding Them Down
You can`t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them & hope they panic & give in.
75% of my current net worth is in gift cards.
Girl says to her Blonde friend, I slept with a Brazilian man last night. The Blonde replies: OMG you SLUT! How many is a Brazilian??
Everyone sends text like "good morning sunshine", so I texted "good morning solar eclipse" ... Yeah, don`t do that.
Seriously, dude...Is there a name for what`s wrong with you?
There are two key elements to success. 1) Never tell anyone everything you know.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80`s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Handy tip for new parents : Wake up your baby by gently resting your head on a pillow.
Sometimes you just see a post and think, "Yup it`s your own fault."