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Transformation Tuesday! Throwback Thursday! Flashback Friday! Never underestimate a woman`s ability to find a reason to post a selfie.
I think it`s safe to assume that people buying stock in twitter have never actually been on twitter.
I never get nervous or embarrassed. That`s just some sh*t that sober people who leave the house have to worry about.
I never tell god how big my problems ,,, I tell my problems how big my god is
You would never know I had a college degree if you saw how many times I tried to push when it says pull.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Don’t trust people that dislike pizza. They’re probably not human.
You`re about 8 beers away from being my type.
My wife was out of town, so I had to run the morning routine by myself today. I learned a lot. For example, apparently I have two kids.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I`m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
I can`t remember if I have any repressed memories.
I once ran a Half Marathon. Well, I say that because it sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died halfway through a Full Marathon.
I may be delusional but at least I`m going to Mars in November.
There`s no way that whatever mothballs prevent is worse than the smell of mothballs.
Oh... the look on the Home Depot associate`s face when I asked him if the pruning shears will cut through bone... priceless.