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"That`s crazy" is the perfect response when you haven`t been listening.
Scott Baio is not a part of the Presidential transition team. I’m really disappointed that Charles is not in Charge of anything.
You may think I`m dumb but you overestimate me.
I really should learn to say "congratulations" instead of "are you keeping it?"
I miss flip phones because at the end of a conversation you could always dramatically close them like, bitch whatever.
I slept with my best friend’s wife last night and now I feel terrible. …. ….. She must have given me a cold or something.
Your just jealous because u don`t hear the voices.
I`m confused as to whether I`m supposed to leap or hump today.
When sliding down the banister of life, always make sure that the end is knob free!
cuss words = sentence enhancers
I don’t know how many girls it takes to change a lightbulb but I guarantee you they’d post pictures of them doing it on Facebook.
"Don`t cry because its over, smile because his new girlfriend looks like a horse."
People go on and on about the length of Subway`s sandwiches but how come nobody talks about their girth?
These statuses are a lot better if you imagine them being read by Morgan Freeman.
Backseat drivers are the worst. They`re always like "the light is red!" and "don`t text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"