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When you called me a b*tch, did you mean it as an insult or a compliment?
I don’t mean to alarm you but you know those people in your office that can’t work the fax machine? They’re driving home on the same roads.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check
Why does Facebook even give me the option to `Like` my own status? Of course I like my status, I`m F*ck!ng Hilarious! ...and Sexy.
So glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how much I’m understanding what other people are saying.
If a girl bangs ten dudes in a year she is a slut. If a guy done he`s gay. Definitely gay.
I am not looking for a one night stand, 2 hours will be plenty enough.
Folding laundry with a toddler is like trying to straighten a desk full of papers while a fan blows on it.
BEFORE I GET DRUNK, NAKED,THROWN IN JAIL AND LOOSE MY DAMN PHONE. *HAPPY NEW YEAR.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Whatever Mom, IF THAT`S EVEN YOUR REAL NAME!!!
How can there be more horses asses than there are horses?
If anyone tells you, you have ADHD. Pay no attention.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker? Now they just mean that you`re 3 and your parents are idiots.