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"I`m single and ready to mingle"..oh god, is this why I`m still single, cuz I say sh!t like that?
Has anyone donated any money to ALS? All these ice bucket challenges I been seeing makes me think ... you all some cheap bastards
I have a stalker. Everywhere I go, she`s always there, 10 paces ahead of me...
Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.
1: Say "Unh! 2: Mumble three spanish words. 3: list four cities. You just made a Pitbull song.
Guys...dont mess up and buy her the wrong brand of vacuum cleaner for Valentines Day this year. Spend a little extra for a really good one ... Just tring to help.
I think even hospital gowns cover more than my insurance does...
I must have a great butt because every time I finish talking with someone and start to walk away, I hear them whisper "What an a$$."
I`m tired of things costing money
It`s normally a combination of things that cause bad decisions. The tequila, lime, salt combination is the most common.
Trust me, I am a liar.
at this point in life I break my life down into 2 time periods B.N and A.N....Before Netflix and After Netflix
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can`t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
My favorite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
I`m going to spend Valentine`s day with my ex.... Box 360