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I`m pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me suffer, while rolling her eyes and painting her nails.
The best part of time travel will be sleeping until noon and making it to work on time at 8am.
There are 3 levels of pain. 1. Pain 2. Excruciating pain 3. Stepping on a Lego
Dear neighbor mowing your yard this morning, I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I hope someone drives slightly slower in front of you on a crowded highway and you can’t pass.
Before Google, I averaged 220 Snapple bottles before I found the answer.
Things that don`t kill spiders: 1: furniture polish 2: Febreze 3: butter 4: screaming
Dimples are considered a facial muscledeformity in the medical world.
People would believe everything I say.. if it wasn`t for everything I say.
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is my favorite story about how you will get treated like CRAP ... until you have something someone else needs
You`re always ahead of schedule when it comes to disappointing me.
If your girlfriends cat gets eaten by an angry pitbul terrier, gently singing "The circle of life" into her ear WILL NOT cheer her up.
Apparently I`d rather debate in my mind whether or not to get up and pee than sleep.
So, All my exes live in Texas; Exactly, how does one go about scheduling a tornado ?