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I’m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
I finally got some "me time" being away from the kids. Two whole hours. Would have gotten more, but my knees started getting numb from crouching behind the dryer.
Actually I don`t think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle.
No toilet paper.. goodbye socks
I`d like to eat healthy, but we all know what happened that time Eve ate an apple. Best not to risk it.
Presidents’ Day is just another made up holiday to sell more presidents
If you have a mirror handy, kindly gaze into it and you will find your problem
Pretending I`m a pleasent person all day is exhausting.
At a wedding reception I recently attended someone said, "All the married men please stand next to the person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
"They are more afraid of you than you are of them." -people who know even less about me than they do about bears
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Facebook posts with 12 hashtags, who the f*ck are you trying to reach?
In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn`t move but should, use the WD-40. If it should not move and does, use the duct tape
I don`t feel like folding the laundry, so I just restart the dryer
Multitasking (verb) - Screwing up several things at once.