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Dear automatic flushing toilet. I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn`t quite finished...
I was an adult once. Then I opened a Facebook account.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening
I just drink until the sadness becomes hilarious.
Facebook is cheaper than therapy, twice as effective & you can do it naked.
My doctor told me to start killing people. Well it wasn`t those exact words. He said I needed to reduce the stress in my life.
Tattoos are an expensive and a painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification
Orion`s Belt is a huge waist of space.
I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.
Uhm, excuse me waiter... I`d like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.
"Mounting debt" sounds way sexier than it is.
This coffee would work better if I could throw it at people.
50 Shades of Laze - My weekend plans
The biggest lie I tell myself is: “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
I’m not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.