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Nipples: Nature`s thermometer.
“Why is life so hard?” – Me, trying to open a jar of peanut butter.
I am a very tolerant person until you think differently than me. Then I act like a spoiled little brat.
How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with pretty daughters do.
I`m getting older but I still have my moments...though I don`t always remember where I put them
I`ll be a morning person when it`s Christmas.
I’m glad MTV has shows like Teen Mom 3 so girls have good role models besides Miley.
Sorry, just got your text. Are we still on for last night?
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn`t even apply for the job.
They should make Vodka ChapStick
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly. Men are like bacon because we`re pigs.
USB sounds like a backup in case the USA fails.
The point of no return sounds like a fun vacation spot.
I wonder if there`s a margarita somewhere out there thinking about me, too.