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Besides creating dinosaurs are mosquitos good for anything?
When you called me a b*tch, did you mean it as an insult or a compliment?
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
I leave notes on people’s windshields telling them I smashed their car and did an amazing job fixing it.
nothing says i love you like, "im going to buy you new duct tape for your taillight, what color you want? "
This by far is your most f*ck up idea ever ... I`ll be there in 10 minutes.
The grass is always greener over the septic tank
I really respect people that don`t drink excessively, gamble, curse, do drugs, spend excessively, act irresponsibly and stay up late. And by "respect" I mean "don`t wanna hang out with"
To all those that now have a DUI, domestic violence charge or one less finger... Happy 5th of July
Most difficult job ever.......Working in a bubble wrap factory......Imagine the self control needed.
Take time to reflect upon your day. Think of all the blessings you received, and everything you may be called to testify about :)))
I wish that just once, the clerk would just put the Monopoly money in the drawer and hand me a receipt
Sometimes the problem with reality is the lack of background music.
Guess it`s time to get to the part of the day I hate... the part which requires pants.
Ever notice how many friends you have when you pull out a pack of gum?