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I like candlelit dinners, long walks on the beach and hardcore pornography.
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess
Often I convince myself I enjoy the company of other humans. Then I spend time with them and remember I don`t.
I hope Karma smacks some people before I do.
The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you
This post is just for you.
Note to self: Asking the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your Facebook status in no way helps you get out of a DUI.
Bulimia: Twice the taste. Zero Calories.
Vodka: Taking you from a 6 to a 10 in five easy shots
"Better to be pissed off than pissed on!" Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I`m not angry or covered in piss.
Just when you think someone couldn`t be any more annoying I test your theory.
If your life ever seems boring just remember that you are on a rock floating in outer space.
I`ve never heard an alarm going off on a car worth stealing.
Is there anything more awkward than when you are singing along to a song on youtube and the music stops loading.
Bored? Simply send a text to a random number saying "I`m pregnant"