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Dear axe body spray, Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles. Best regards, Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
I dance like people wish they weren`t watching.
Truth is, it’s not a “long story”… I’m just too damn lazy to explain it.
I`m fortunate that anger and nicotine have zero calories.
My life is the intersection between having too much caffeine and constantly yawning.
Irony: Asking God to help you on a science exam.
Two wrongs may not make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
Jack and Jill Went up the hill To have a little fun. Jill, the dill, Forgot her pill, And now they have a son.
Preheating an oven requires too much commitment.
Think about how much more stressful life`s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says “haha good one” and we laugh and laugh and take a nap.
Christmas is truly a magical time. It`s made all my money disappear!
It’s too bad that it’s easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
Fun Fact: Valentine`s Day was created by a woman than didn`t get what she wanted for Christmas.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying "the economy" a lot.