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If anyone tells you that you drink to much on the weekends. Stop talking to them...you don`t need that kind of negativity in your life
If it`s true that opposites attract, I should be looking for someone that gets up early and does stuff
Hey, Dude who flips me off for honking at him in the parking lot, your groceries are on top of your car.
I`ve got to remember to tie a string around my finger!
When you are on a first date and she says to you: “I want you to treat me like a movie star,” it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.
If you don`t give a f*ck then why you telling everybody?
The first snow of spring is always the most beautiful
Your girl always on her knees. What she forgot she had feet?
Only a fool trips on what`s behind him.
My life is spent trying to get people to give me the silent treatment.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It`s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Never take a Chess enthusiast to a restaurant with checkered tablecloths!……It’ll take them an hour to pass the salt!
I`m sorry, we can`t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
If they made a movie of my life, it would just be a lot of scenes where I`m looking for something to wipe my hands on.
Based on the number of smoke breaks they take, I’m pretty sure the only reason my co-workers have a job is to pay for their cigarettes.