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Dating: the process of hiding your crazy just long enough to get the other person to commit.
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb
I don`t believe women belong in the kitchen... because men are better at that too
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from. FML
What does lolz mean...Laugh out loud zebras?
I want to grow my own food but no one makes pizza seeds.
My girlfriend just accused me of being unfaithful. I told her that is ridiculous and that she is starting to sound like my wife.
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk. Ducks don’t talk.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Please, please don`t be a bitch to me. Because then I`ll have to be a bitch back and I can do it better than you.
I hope that man who was walking in memphis found out the way he really felt
Researchers claim that the Internet is making us dumber and more impatient. I don`t get it. Moving on.
I could really go for a vegetable sandwich! Maybe some tomatoes, some spinach, cucumbers... With cheese. And a hamburger patty. And bacon. Ok I really want a bacon cheeseburger.
Isn’t it funny how people that talk too much also have annoying voices?
What I lack in vocabulary, I make up for in…you know...stuff...and...things...