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I know that no means no, but that`s about the extent of my Spanish.
Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
My friends and I played fantasy football in high-school. No league, we just constantly thought about the cheerleaders.
I don`t know why I don`t buy more piñatas. Like right now I would love to beat the shit out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.
Today is the first day of the rest of my Vodka.
My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed…. I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.
Think big, Think smart, Think positive, Think beautiful, Think great,I know this is too much for u,so here is a shortcut-Just think about me
Do these people in movies who wander off into the woods alone at night not watch movies?
"Well that can`t be right." - dogs watching us catching balls with our hands
Note to self: Asking the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your Facebook status in no way helps you get out of a DUI.
If you don`t remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.
One way to find out if you`re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you`re young, if they panic, you`re old.
You could pleasure me just by walking away.
You never know how many people you dislike until you have to name your child.
I have a "honk if you think I`m sexy" bumper sticker on my truck so that way on the way to work, if I`m not feeling to excited to be there, I sit at a green light until I feel better.