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Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
I always keep a Mexican restaurant on speed dial in queso emergency.
really vry funny
“Was that lightning?” “No no…. they’re taking pictures for Google Earth..”
Perhaps we should hold elections on the last Friday of November, with polling stations at Walmart, Target and Apple
Running feels great unless you compare it to not running
I know they didn`t ask for it, but I sent a stool sample in with my tax returns.
Saying that your company has been in business since the 1800`s isn`t a selling point. Slavery existed then too...
I was reading that it takes the average man four minutes to have sex, and he’s asleep eight minutes after that. This sounds very dangerous, because by then most men are driving home.
Every time I see an abandoned shoe on the highway it reminds me of some of the drunken nights we use to have.
I never use the phrase, "Your guess is as good as mine" because, well... it`s not.
The best time to re-examine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
Intelligence is like underwear. It`s important that you have it but there`s no need to show it off.
It is impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
My 5 year plan includes purchasing a Slurpee machine.