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Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain.
I can`t wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it.
My friends and I played fantasy football in high-school. No league, we just constantly thought about the cheerleaders.
Do you ever wish you had a second chance to meet someone again for the first time?
My walk of shame is when I have to take all the the empty Taco Bell bags out of my car and bring them to the garbage can.
I just wanted to say thank you to all the people that have given me a reason to drink this Friday night.
You`re never too old to be spanked ...If you play your cards right.
I wonder how many 5 Hour Energy`s it would take to levitate?
9 year olds have a Blackberry, an iPad, a laptop, & a Facebook… When I was 9, I felt cool with my new markers.
Be thankful your GPS doesn`t get PMS: “Fine! Turn whichever way you want! You never listen to me anyway!”
May your life be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
People would probably piss me off a lot less if I was allowed to drive a tank.
I wouldn`t say I "missed" your call.
You mean to tell me people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.