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A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
The hardest thing about returning to work after a long weekend is remembering to fart quietly.
I do not fail, I succeed at things that do not work.
I like dating chicks with kids, because fruity snacks
People who get out of the car and actually have a sit down meal inside McDonald`s scare me.
I hate when someone has a loud conversation on their cell phone and then gives me dirty looks for jotting down everything they say.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS? EUROPE: How can we save our economy? AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Wind chimes? I can`t see myself saying, its too quiet, you know what`d be nice? Noise.
Well I made it through the day without beating anyone with a chair. I`d say my people skills are improving.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
I love facebook because it helps me remember what I did the night before when I blacked out.
If I had a crystal ball to see 5 years in the future, I would have 2020 vision.
My life coach just informed me that I didnt make the team
Here is a thought for all you mind readers out there…
I don`t blame Congress. If I had $600 billion, I`d be irresponsible too.