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Aging is inevitable, Maturing is optional.
The patience I have for my kids is directly proportional to the amount of people watching me.
I get so confused when I`m about to watch a TV show or movie and "For Mature Audiences Only" appears on the screen. Can I watch or not?
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
"Sleeping on the couch" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
I love a woman in uniform. I mean naked.
Sorry, I didn`t get your text...Just kidding, I ignored that sh!t.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say "I think we lost them."
I know I don`t look like it but I`m really good looking!
Shot my first turkey today...scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome!
I have the ability to drive people crazy. I`m not sure if I was born with it or if I learned it. But damn am I great at it.
Campers: Nature`s way of feeding mosquitoes.
I was wondering why some couples don`t go to the gym together but I guess some relationships just don`t work out...
Vodka can be mixed with anything, including more vodka.
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna` be a great day.