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My TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
Let’s all take a moment and be thankful spiders can’t fly.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… I just suck at fishing.
All my life I`ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.
I just found a piece of pizza in my trash can. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!! WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING!!
It turns out if you cry at the DMV they`ll let you take a second photo
I have reliable inside information about Apple`s next product. I will not be able to afford it.
When I die I want Charlie Sheen’s life to flash before my eyes.
Unless you tripped and smacked your face on the treadmill, no one wants to hear about your workout.
Tieam... problem solved
I wish I had Dora`s mom and dad, they let that girl go everywhere.
My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he`s a lamp...what does he know....
The problem with money is too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.
My friend bought some new floral underwear today. I asked her why she bought `floral` underwear to which she replied "its in memory of all the faces that have been buried there".
If you want to go running with me, you`d better be prepared to walk a lot.