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Calling credit cards "a convenient alternative to cash" is like calling crystal meth a "diet substitute".
Everyone is gifted. But not everyone opens their present.
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the smart one
Let`s simplify this. Deliver a pizza to me every night unless I call.
You women may be surprised to learn that making us sleep on the couch isn`t that bad. It`s kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping......with a really angry bear nearby.
Why insult someone when you can say something nice in a very sarcastic tone.
If you`ve never needed to move to a new city and assume a new identity, then we probably haven`t dated.
It`s not their fault, per se, but at some point, Crayola has to be held responsible for continuing to make crayons nostril-width.
When I tell stories about people I don’t like, I give them ridiculous voices.
All you single ladies, please stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don`t subject an innocent cat to a life with you.
Thanks to the popularity of gifs, we are living in the golden age of silent films.
It’s too bad that it’s easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
Just once I`d like to see a stripper do the "Carlton" on stage.
If I had spoken to my parents the way some children do now, I would not be here to share this status.
Don`t worry, kids. Being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.