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Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I`m sexy!" Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
The grass was greener on the other side, so we smoked it.
Ways to tell a woman is mad at you: 1. She is silent. 2. She is yelling. 3. She acts different. 4. She acts the same. 5. She kills you.
Proof that getting kicked in the nuts is worse than giving birth. Girls often say, yeah I`d have another baby. Guys never ask to get kicked in the nuts again.
Wait till the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald`s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Brains are awesome! I wish everyone had one...
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written “eff off forever” instead of “keep in touch” in your yearbook.
I got so drunk last night I tried picking up every woman in the bar and now my back is killing me!
No, I did not forget my password. I distinctly remember it being 8 asterisks.
My Wife does this cute thing where she says that "actions speak louder than words" and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.
Great friends never let you do stupid things......alone
Daylight Saving Time rocks. It even makes laziness sound impressive. I did nothing for 24 hours? Not today. I did nothing for 25 hours!
My dog is eating. I`m sitting next to her, staring intently at her, making her obviously uncomfortable. Yeah, how`s THAT feel, mutt?