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Marco Polo must really hate sitting near a swimming pool.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Condom slogan: Wrap it in latex or she`ll get your paychecks.
When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"
If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek.
I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check
Remember if you ask me to put sun lotion on your back, I am definitely drawing something dirty while I`m back there.
I was told there would be kool-aid.
At the start of every relationship many girls treat their boys as a GOD but later the alphabets are reversed
No matter what life brings you, always take a lesson from your dog.. Kick some grass over that s**t and move on.
Some people want a perfect relationship. I just want a cheeseburger that looks like the ones in commercials.
Spice up your Facebook experience by making your status updates your google searches.
When your boss says "You need help", he never means a hitman.
Every time I lose some weight, I find it again in the refrigerator.