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My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don`t run into anyone you know
The adult version of Operation is trying not to break a tortilla chip while dipping it into a jar of salsa.
If someone says you used too much butter or cheese on something, stop talking to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity
Match dot com, but for socks.
I hate it when I mentally undress a woman and my OCD kicks in and I start folding her clothes.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where the f*ck is my remote?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch dumbass."
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I’m making important life decisions.
How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I`ll have to turn to Facebook.
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I’m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money...uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out.
After the doctor left the exam room from my prostate exam. The nurse came in with three words I didn`t want to hear. "Who was that?"
My wife says I talk while I sleep. But I’m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
On the bright side, my coffee will never get cold in hell.
I still sing my ABC’s to see which letter comes first.