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When I was younger, it was wine, women & song. Now I am older, it`s beer, the old lady & TV!
I`ve always wondered how the job application process at Hooters works. Do they give you a bra and orange shorts and say, "Here, can you fill these both out"?
Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
I never get nervous or embarrassed. That`s just some sh*t that sober people who leave the house have to worry about.
So.. who else is sleeping naked tonight?
When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life…
I`d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we`re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser..
I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?
I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of itself.
I`ve always wondered why they don`t have a pregnant Barbie doll? Turns out Ken comes in a different box...
Whoever convinces blind people that they need sunglasses,, is one heck of a salesman....
It`s funny how as you get older you relate more to the villains in Disney than the Princesses.
If the customer is always right, then why isn’t anything for free?
I saw a comedian one time who did nothing but make geography puns. talk abbottabad act.