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I have been snoring a lot lately and apparently my coworkers find it distracting
Talking to you makes me invent new swear words.
Please don’t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I’m awesome doesn’t mean I like you.
I`ll be a morning person when it`s Christmas.
Zombies only eat brains. You’re safe.
Found out today your supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house....just trying to help.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I`m out in public. Thanks.
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas...
If Starbucks delivered, I would be a morning person.
It`s fun to chant "Bloody Mary" three times into your car`s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
There are so many things in life I still need to lick.
Im so lazy today, I am going to watch fast and furious in slow motion.
You have no idea how funny I am to me.
When in doubt, read Facebook Statuses, you`ll see you`re not the only crazy one around
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.