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Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They`er so warm and cozy, and it`s fun to scan the laundromat and guess whose they are.
I can`t get the cork off my dinner.
Im going to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people`s cars saying "sorry for the damage." Then watching the magic.
Nuclear physicists can be lots of fun. They`re often referred to as the half life of any party.
I`m so broke, if somebody tried to rob me right now, they would just be practicing.
Upside to hurricanes... you might get a free boat delivered to your front yard.
How about first you show me your benefits and THEN I`ll let you know if we can be friends.
If video games have taught me anything, it`s that you`ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss.
A lot of attractive people are like nice cars with the check engine light on.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I`m always like, "I love you," and they`re like, "Thank you for choosing Pizza Hut."
I like to gaze up at the stars at night and think about how somewhere there is intelligent life that hates doing laundry as much as I do.
Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they "boldly go where no one has gone before" they always end up meeting someone?
Can you imagine if Facebook and Twitter just decided to shut down and you see all these confused people coming out of their house squinting at the sun.
Dear autocorrect: at no point have I ever meant “ducking.”
If the cupcake has some green sprinkles on it, it`s a vegetable, right?