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I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake.
Unlike milk, it is acceptable to cry over spilled beer.
"You know, I wish I`d never gone to the pool that day." ~Marco Polo
Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don`t make a right. Tomorrow I`m going to try three.
Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?
Ya, Wednesday sucks but… it could be Monday!
It`s like my kids don`t even believe how cool I was in the 80s.
A fun gym game is to drag your treadmill behind someone else`s, and then run with a determined glare while holding a bat.
To make a long story short quit right in the middle.
My mom just sent me a friend request on Facebook! Finally I can use that "I`m not your friend I`m your mother" speech to my advantage.
Well, today was a complete waste of clean clothes.
Yelling "give me back my panties, you pervert" at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn`t even apply for the job.
I think I’m going to take a hot shower. It’s like a normal shower, but with me in it…
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.