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The best thing about not being with you, is not being with you.
Just used a full size twix bar to stir my coffee.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous ... You`re practically begging for typos.
Marriage is for quitters
She might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty`s only a light switch away.
The most important part of being on a gluten free diet is telling everyone about it.
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not get caught.
My car rides usually consist of playing my music on random, then pressing “next” about 400 times.
Porn Spoiler.......The plumber doesn`t fix the leak in the kitchen sink...
My parents say I was an unplanned child, which probably explains why my life isn`t going to plan.
What is depression? Depression is when you buy a new hula-hoop and it fits you.
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t
Cops are allowed to tell women they have the right to remain silent, but when I do it I wind up with a fork in my leg.
And remember friends, condoms aren`t always protective....my friend was wearing one and he fell down the stairs
A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, `What would Jesus do?`, so I turned it into wine ... Well, I bought wine.