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I just got gas for $1.79... Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.
If you`ve never played Tetris, you`re probably useless at loading a dishwasher
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of "capes in the toilet water" accidents when they went to take a dump.
I`m all for the "going green" thing, but I just can`t bring myself to buy toilet paper that says, "100% Recycled."
I either get what I want or I change my mind!
I used to have superpowers but the psychiatrist took them away.
The lottery is over $400 million. Sorry poor kids, no dinner tonight...
Please respect the revolving door speed that has already been established.
I wish I was a jedi, but mostly just so I didn`t have to bend over to pick up dog poop.
I am 5 for 5 on popping my trunk instead of unlocking the fuel door at the gas station.
A girl updated her facebook status saying: All men are dogs and I commented • Which breed is your dad?
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in
My goal in life: Build a time machine and travel forward into the future until I can stop and ask someone "Do you know what `buffering` is?" and they are clueless.
I`m so lonely I drive around town with a coffee cup glued to the roof of my car just so people will wave at me.
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn`t stolen.