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Big shoutout to whoever decided the ? and ! should be next to each other on an iPhone. That typo hasn’t made me look insane 10,000 times.
Sometimes, late at night in the market..i switch up all the color tubes in the hair dye kits.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
You know what’s funnier than watching someone trip and fall? Absolutely nothing!
When I procrastinate, current me really expects a lot out of future me.
Maths teacher: If you have 12 chocolates and you give 5 to Mary, 3 to Claire and 2 to Elizabeth then what will you get? Me: 3 new girlfriends.
I hope when I die, it`s early in the morning so I don`t go to work that day for no reason.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
It`s funny how this guy grating cheese over my pasta thinks I`m going to say stop.
Understanding women number 476,395: Women like to talk about their feelings.
Do you women realize how silly you all look with your clothes on?
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
It is impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
Lets all take a minute and realize the lack of creativity in the name "fire place"
If Milli Vanilli were to fall in the woods, would someone else make a sound?