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"I`m single and ready to mingle"..oh god, is this why I`m still single, cuz I say sh!t like that?
I`m not bothered if someone likes me or Not. Even Angels are hated by Demons.
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig ? The letter F ?
Tire rotation? Nice try, mechanic! I rotated my tires like a thousand times on the drive over here.
Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don´t know when.
I just found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock,,,, people expect less of you.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it’s AM. Google thinks I’ve got my life together.
A mosquito landed on my balls... Hardest decision of my life.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Dear family, thank you for all those wonderful childhood memories ... Here`s my therapy bill.
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes.
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate
I was in my kitchen cleaning when suddenly I realized OMG! ... I`m late for Facebook!!
So apparently RSVP-ing to a wedding invite with "Maybe next time" wasn`t the best response. Who knew?