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Caller ID should be more detailed~ "Wants Help Moving" "Going to Whine" "Will Ask to Borrow Money"
You know its cold out ......when you go outside..... and it`s cold out
My panic room is a walk-in beer cooler at the liquor store.
I hate it when I put on my apple bottom jeans and cannot find my boots with da fur!!
I have no fear of heights. I do, however have a fear of falling from heights.
Somebody has to be awesome…might as well be me.
Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and its just me laughing at my own jokes.
When I text someone and they dont text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from overexcitement.
Whenever I watch the TV show Friends, I imagine I`m the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him.
I don`t know why I even bother chewing corn.
Just sneezed 8 times in a row and saw the entrance to Narnia for a split second.
I fold down my laptop screen very slowly at night so I don`t squish you guys.
If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, does it really have calories?
I prefer to think outside the box because things can get very dark inside it.