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*Removes smoke detector battery *Cooks in silence
Ha! Who`s laughing now, f*ckers that took your Christmas lights down last year!
I have a feeling my dying words will be "Honey, I was just joking."
I`ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Before I wash my socks, I just throw one in the trash.
Dear Costumer Service: I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to you?
Some things are better left unsaid, but I`m probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway.
"I wish people would start doing ice bucket challenges again" - said no one ever!
I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend. The towels were so thick I could hardly get my suitcase shut.
I can read your mind, your thinking about sex right now, no wait, wait.. that`s my mind, sorry, I can read my mind. . .
How do I like my eggs? ... Ummm, in a cake
Dont freeze your Common sense in the process of being COOL.
I haven`t lost all of my marbles but there is definitely a hole in the bag.
I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don`t be a smart-ass".
I`ll be busy tonight taking my girlfriend out to dinner and then having sex all night. Is what I`d be saying if I had money ... or a girlfriend