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My head says “go to the gym” but my heart says, “stay on the internet forever and eat!”
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
I decided I`m not doing the whole clock-back routine this year. If you need me, I`ll be in the frickin future.
If airports are so safe, why are the buildings called Terminal
Football Logic: Your team won: Celebrate with beers! Your team lost: Better drown my sorrows in some beer.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day to the fool that gave up alcohol for Lent.
Those teardrop tattoos mean you cried during the notebook, right?
Best grilled cheese ever!! All I did was add a hamburger patty.
Waiter, bring me a bowl of turtle soup and make it snappy.
Facebook is like my fridge… I know there is nothing there but I check it every 10 minutes anyways.
I`ve never watched CSI because I learned everything I need to know about solving crimes from watching Scooby Doo
I`m astounded at how fast my "I survived Ebola" t-shirt got me to the front of the Black Friday lines this year..
The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this “I know your high” look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.
All of those in favor of bitch slapping stupid people, say "I"
"This is so wrong," I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling.. as I butter a doughnut