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French people give me the crepes.
I try to avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they are in the middle of a race.
Sometimes, I drink a glass of water, just to surprise my liver!
Sit-ups are my favorite form of exercise because I get to lay down every few seconds.
Of course you don’t think you’re ignorant! That’s the definition of ignorance!
If you were born in September, it`s pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a BANG
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he`ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
I don`t know who you are, but if you don`t stop sending me phone books, I will find you.....and I will smack you with it
Just wrote ‘You have no new messages’ on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.
I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "the Illuminaughty".
*uses Ouija board* NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Cleavage is like the sun, you can look... But its dangerous to stare
I have the means to do anything that I want on my day off from work which means that I dont want to do anything on my day off from work.
If the government shutdown effected alcohol or internet porn they`d have this sh!t fixed by tomorrow morning.
You know a woman really loves you when she vandalizes your car after an argument.