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I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is.
I`d feel totally comfortable dating a zombie because I`d know she loved me for my brains and not just my body.
If you can’t face it, moon it.
You laugh because I´m different. I laugh cause I just farted!
Happy "Another excuse to drink" Day!
I will have you know I have FRIENDS! All 10 seasons.
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.
Nothing screws up your Friday more than realizing it’s only Tuesday.
Shout out to people who are hard of hearing.
My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall ... I plan on sticking to it.
On cold mornings like this I just tell outrageous lies and hope my pants catch fire.
I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once, and I nearly killed some guy on a bike.
Thanksgiving: "Let`s give thanks for the stuff we have." Black Friday: "Ok, let`s get all new stuff."
I could scroll down my Facebook page and write a country song!!
Never resist a mad impulse to do something nice for me.