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I may not be the best looking, wittiest, smartest or even the most successful person. I forget where I was going with this...
My boss said we needed to find ways to save time and be more productive, so I just moved the coffee maker to my desk
If you ever need anything please don`t hesitate to ask someone else first.
I wish "it`s the thought that counts" worked for housework.
Turning on your lights and siren after you lose a drag race is just poor sportsmanship.
I will stop drinking when Captain Morgan puts his foot down.
I have a friend with one eye, he`s pretty cool about it, instead of :D he sends .D
I would have a girlfriend but finding someone who likes to be ignored is hard.
They say you are what you eat, though... I don`t recall eating a sexy beast today
Facebook: The only place where you get excited when strangers follow you.
Dear Dr Phil, I was watching my next door neighbor`s wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was enjoying myself I turned to notice my lady was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert?
It`s amazing how much more money I have when I`m drunk.
Of course China is dominating the olympics, they probably made all of the equipment.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms: LOL - Lucifer Our Lord, BRB - Burn Religious Books, TBH - Tell Beelzebub Hi
People hiking with a giant stick never seem any better at hiking than the rest of us.