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The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the “I’m sick” voice.
If advertisers were smart, they`d make a silent, slow-motion commercial that runs at normal speed when you fast forward through it on a DVR.
I can already tell it`s going to be another one of those mornings where I`m not rich and famous.
I get a little nervous before saying Worcestershire sauce.
Well, THAT Jehovah`s Witness isn`t going to forget anytime soon what they witnessed when I answered the door.
Random Thought: How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
How long does it take possums to realize when one of them is actually dead?
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you’re a terrible person and had it coming.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
According to serving sizes tonight, I`m a family of 4.
Heck, I can tell which people are really judgmental just by looking at them.
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook status updates; it just makes me not care what you think of them…
My kid go from "omg...you`re impossible I can`t wait until I`m 18!" To "You`re the best mom ever" in a matter of $100
is sick and tired and tired of being sick and sick of being tired!
If you really can make $10,000 a month working from home why would anyone take the harder job of nailing those signs to trees?