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Actually, The quickest way to fix that annoying noise in your car is ... Just open the door and push her out.
In marijuana`s defense, I`m lazy as sh!t completely sober too.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm ... So I peed on her
There`s an emoji for eggplants but not for popcorn and this is why trusting people isn`t just hard, it`s impossible.
Who`s up for some curling in my driveway?
How will you survive a zombie apocalypse if you scream & run when you see a spider?
You say Iām not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If Iām not cold, Iām hot. I know Iām hot. Thanks for embracing it.
Today I learned that not all people like ventriloquists. Particularly my gynecologist.
Why is it that everyone hears the car alarm for a good 5 minutes before the owner does?
"Spring Ahead" this weekend for Daylight Saving Time proves there is a much quicker way than Facebook to lose an hour in your life....
The toughest decision I will make today is bottle or draft.
I knew we would be the best of friends when you said drinks are on you
Is your drama going to have an intermission soon? I need to pee.
Hangry: (noun) a state of anger caused by lack of food. May evoke negative change in emotional state. Translation -- Feed me or I`ll kill you.
Is there really a need for constipation medicines and stool softeners in a world where burritos and tacos exist?