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My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don`t run into anyone you know
If Plan A doesn’t work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.
Who the hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere just let one in your home and it becomes your cat.
You will never find the right person if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
Lets not get carried away it`s not like McDonalds shutdown
I recently added squats to my daily workout routine and I did so by moving my beer to the bottom shelf in my refrigerator.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore.
When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza.....and then insist that he called me
When you are dead, you don’t know you are dead but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
Forecast for tonight: Alcohol, low standards, and poor decisions.
I google myself sometimes just to know what the hell I`m up to. ;)
If it makes you feel better, don’t call it “Premature Ejaculation.” Call it “Speed Dating”
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
My kid go from "omg...you`re impossible I can`t wait until I`m 18!" To "You`re the best mom ever" in a matter of $100
Monday morning coffee is just as important as friday night liquor....almost.