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Who needs dance lessons when you`ve got alcohol?!
Why fart and waste it, when you can burp and taste it
I`m never more nervous than when I tell a doctor what I actually eat.
Men are a lot like kids, if you want to shut them up, put a boob in their mouth.
Never cry over spilt milk. It could`ve been whiskey.
Just once I wanna see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f**k..."
Answering my phone and saying... FBI fraud division. Has really cut down on the telemarketers.
Not every flower can say love...but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst...but a cactus did. Not every idiot can read, but look at you go!!!! lol
Once a month, women go completely crazy for about thirty days.
The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let`s go off script. What are you wearing?"
I just threw a piece of food on the floor of my cubicle. Totally forgot my dog doesn`t work here.
Just ONCE I`d like someone to call me "sir" without adding "this is a place of business, please put your pants back on."
I am having one of those days where my middle finger answers every question.
Apparently, "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed.
Do you think people will start blaming auto correct for there marriages breaking down?