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There are no winners the day following a green beer, corned beef, and cabbage binge.
Sorry that most of my hilarious jokes are borderline inappropriate. And by sorry, I mean you`re welcome.
Almost considered doing something with my life, but then I sat down and logged into Facebook.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
I love you more each day as my other options diminish.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
If you’re happy and you know it, you’re probably exhausting to be around.
My son got one of those `Stop Bullying` wristbands. he took it away from a fat little ginger kid.
A fun thing to do when leaving the Zoo, is too start frantically running and yelling "OMG they`ve all escaped!"
I`m not necessarily saying that I am or am not a super hero, but I do occasionally stand with my hands on my hips.
I am not retreating! I am advancing in a different direction!
Golf is such a strange game. You shout four, shoot six, and write down five.
Mister Rogers didn’t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
And Jesus said, those footprints on the beach where two sets become one, that`s where I unfollowed you.
thinks that life was a lot simpler when I thought girls had cooties, and getting to the bottom of the sandbox was a good day.