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Pretending to be a morning person is exhausting.
Too bad the little guy "Tattoo" from Fantasy Island isn`t around anymore. They could ask HIM where the plane is!
I`m placing myself in "time-out" until I`m able to play nice with others! This may take a few hours as there are stupid people everywhere!
Save water- shower with me!
You`ve already put up your Christmas tree? That`s nothing. I`m already drunk for St. Patrick`s Day.
Car commercials make driving around in empty parking structures look fun and normal and not suspicious or kidnappy.
If you`re feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.
Being an American is awesome. The end.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
On one issue, at least, men and women agree: they both distrust women.
I always drink responsibility I make sure that someone is responsible for buying me drinks.
It must suck when billionaires wake up feeling like a million bucks.
Neil Armstrong was the first human being to step foot on the moon. Neil A. backwards spells "Alien"
How many exercise/workout videos does a person have to buy before seeing results?
When someone tells you they`re playing a STD game... But you later realise they were talking about Spot The Difference.