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wants to remind you this Halloween, that as a general rule, don`t solve riddles that open portals to Hell.
Any perfume that claims it will help you seduce a man is lying if it doesn’t smell like a pizza.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you`re looking for a business manager.
Don`t rush me. I`m waiting for the last minute.
There is something so unique about me, that even I can`t figure it out...
You know how people dread going to the dentist? I feel that way about getting out of bed.
Sometimes I feel like I get less attention than a white crayon.
Why is it that when my wife refers to her friends as "girlfriends" its normal but when i call my male friends "boyfriends" i lose my friends?
is wondering why books on "how to make women happy" arent displayed in the fiction section
you know it`s a good fart when it wakes you from a dead sleep and you pull a butt muscle at the same time.
“You look tired” is just a polite way to tell someone they look like sh*t.
C`mon Netflix, we both know I`m watching the next episode. Just go ahead and start it.
I dont hate you but, if you put `just about to jump off a cliff` as your facebook statuses i would poke you
If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.
Ways to Win my Heart: Buy me Beer Bring me Beer Be Beer.