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All I`m saying is that the cheese grater wouldn`t have 4 sides if they wanted you to wash it after every use.
I’m in my dentist’s waiting room practicing my lies about flossing.
I don’t understand how my house gets so messy when I literally sit in one spot with my phone all day.
He was like, `We`re all slowly dying` So I was like, `WRONG` and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
I enjoy planting sex toys at yard sales in nice neighborhoods, then sit back to watch the magic unfold.
Where does Peter Pan have his lunch? At Wendy`s.
I was all depressed last night, so I called "Lifeline". Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word." is super-romantic. But the cop didn`t think so.
Dude, next time you wanna wave at me, please use more than one finger.
My date just saved me tons of money by simply saying, "no, I don`t want to be your valentine and stop texting me!"
If a vegan does crossfit which do they talk about first?
A wasp just landed on my balls. Hardest decision of my life.
I don`t know about you, but I`ve thought about running away more as an adult than I ever did as a child.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
I`m glad I don`t work in an office. I can only imagine the smell at lunch time when everybody opens their egg salad sandwiches today.