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I always knew that one day I`d end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn`t expect everyone to keep on bowling...
Two days is not enough time for a weekend.
I hope I never have to run for my life. It wouldn’t end well.
My therapist cries "Why me?" for the full hour.
Professor X can move anything with his mind... except his legs.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
liked homework better when it was called coloring.
I don`t mind my long commute, I just hate that it always brings me to work.
Called AA by mistake. Those drunks can`t change a tire for sh*t.
I just sprayed Citrus Fabreeze in my bathroom... Now it smells like Sh*trus
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she`s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere
Helped my kid pick out a "famous past explorer" for a class assignment. Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
If by `the Hamptons` you mean `my pajamas`, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons
Before coffee: Hates everybody. After coffee: Feels good about hating everybody.
that awkward moment when you`re alone somewhere and trying to take a picture of yourself.