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scream outloud and really fast "I won a math debate"
If I’ve offended you, please accept my apology. Then smack yourself in the face for getting offended by something on the Internet.
Know why a room full of married people looks so empty? There’s not a Single person in it…
Drinking coffee in the afternoon is like eating the mushroom that makes you big in Super Mario.
No matter what the product, a good way to throw off an aggressive salesman is to interrupt him and ask, “Yes, but does it work on cats?”
I don`t like the term "stalker". I prefer "unpaid private investigator".
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you have incriminating evidence.
I wish we could donate body fat to those in need.
No matter how loud you crank the bass, it`s still a minivan.
"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it, I better call the police!" - literally no one ever
I don`t know why I think I could survive the Zombie Apocalypse, I cant even handle the puff of air at the eye doctor.
Early reports indicate I`m gonna be drunk all weekend.
My blood hound was just attacked by a Crip hound.
The cop at your front door is never a stripper when you want them to be.
When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.