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I`m sorry did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
I’ve been in this McDonald’s restroom for over an hour, waiting for an employee to wash my hands.
My doctor asked me if I drink to excess. I told him I would drink to anything.
I am dealing with it like an adult! Tonight I`m getting drunk!!!
Remember ladies, if on your 10th selfie you don’t have the perfect one to post you’re really just ugly.
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific
Government Shutdown: Day Three Jellystone Park still closed. Still no pic-a-nic baskets. Yogi stares at Boo-Boo... Boo-Boo looks tasty.
My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.
Just saw a guy driving while eating ice cream. F*cking sundae drivers.
Hash browns not tags.
people say that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but it`s the only way I can talk to you.
I see dead people. Well technically they`re stupid people, but give me a few minutes
The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. It’s greener where you water it.
Its so cold outside I might even post about it on Facebook