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Whoever named the seesaw probably didn’t get another chance to name stuff.
Where do suicide bombers go when they die? Everywhere.
I sent one of those swabs off for DNA sampling. Apparently, I`m 50% Crest, 25% Denture fixative, 13% kebab, and 12% Rum.
I had a blind date once, her name was ..::..::.:::::…:::::
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.
I love sleep ... it’s like a Time Machine to Breakfast.
Nothing hides your feelings like the backspace key.
Driving to work would be so much better if I didn’t always end up at work.
The best part about being an adult is, nobody can tell you, you can`t have ice cream for breakfast.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that`s just for the alcohol.
I got a new marker today that smells like grapes. Thats why I`ve been so quiet.
I’m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
Saw A bumper sticker that said "Fat People Are Harder To Kidnap" not sure if he was a proud fat man or a disgruntled kidnapper though.
Twice-baked potatoes, refried beans, etc.: Damn, people, cook it right the first time or get out of the kitchen!
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch yesterday.