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When people tell me "You`re gonna regret that in the morning"...I sleep in till noon, because I`m a problem solver.
Anyone else ever thought about farting into one of those plastic cylinders at the bank drive-thru?
I bet the guy who invented fake dog poo was upset the name "shampoo" was taken
It took Harry Potter 7 damn long books to catch the bad guy. When it only takes Scooby-Doo 25 minutes.
You`re the kind of friend I text when I`m pooping and need something to do.
Why do hospitals need to advertise? It`s not like I`m going to go to Home Depot instead.
Pretty much always 3-5 seconds away from just laying down wherever I am.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen - sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestle Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I`m exhausted.
While wearing a bikini you show 90% of your body -But men are so polite, that they stare only at the covered places.
I wish people`s voices actually sounded the way they do when their spouse or partner imitates them during an argument.
I wish there was a way to find out how many boners you’ve caused in a lifetime, I wanna check my stats.
I wish I had Dora`s mom and dad, they let that girl go everywhere.
I like to read magazines about parenting. That way, I can learn all the things my parents did wrong and I can go back to them and say "See? This is the reason I am like I am."