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WARNING. Content on my Facebook page may offend. But I don`t f*cking care
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems.
I really love it when a hot girl winks at me with both eyes.
I find it ironic that it takes 12 steps to get a beer out of my fridge.
Sometimes I feel as though my life should be documented for future generations.
The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.
How many V and M can see
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"Safely remove USB." Who does that?
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn’t stolen.
The only reason I keep my land line is for the eventuality that this is The Matrix.
In about 20 years, that cherry tattoo on your cleavage is gonna look like a pair of raisins and that butterfly you got tatted on back is gonna look like a moth.
In alcohol`s defence, I`ve done some pretty dumb sh*t while completely sober too.
I want to live in a world where it’s never too late for breakfast food and never too early for pizza.