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I like to respond to statuses with .. WOW, Someone needs a Happy Meal.
Pro tip: The kids run around a little longer if you forget to hide the eggs
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn`t know you did that for fun.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I`m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
It`s hard to take life serious once you realize people jamming their genitals in each others mouths is considered a sign of affection.
In terms of procrastination, I`ve had a very productive day.
Does anyone have plans to stare at their phones somewhere exciting this weekend?
Does this 50 pound bag of cat food make me look single?
Hey guy in the car behind me... Honking your horn isn`t going to help me type any faster.
im so hungry, im farting fresh air
Dogs are God`s way of apologizing for your relatives.
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the “ABCs” in my head to remember which letter comes next.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
When sitting directly across from someone also using a laptop, I can`t stop myself from telling them, "you sunk my battleship!"
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: The one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.