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I’m crazy but not “LeBron is better than Jordan” crazy.
Ran out of post-it notes, now I don`t know how to remind myself to buy more.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
This salad is delicious, probably because it`s a donut.
May be time to get in shape. Halfway up this flight of stairs and I`m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
What if God is a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I`ll never hear the end of it.
I`ve decided to take some time off Facebook so I can focus on work and, ok, I`m back
Just watched (insert title of horror movie) and it wasn`t scary at all. The crap in my pants is a pure coincidence.
Do watch out for elderly neighbours in the heat wave. They`re liable to trap you for hours and talk about the weather.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.
Today I think I`ll send out texts saying "Hey, I got a new phone and lost your number. Can I have it again?" ...JUST to see how many responses I will get. ;)
Not a day goes by when I don`t try to use The Force.
Cheered myself up earlier by putting a "no U-turn" sign in a dead-end street.