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You know you watch too much porn when you go to a hospital expecting a threesome.
Mosquito landed on my friend`s face; easiest decision of my life.
My brain is about as well organized as the Walmart $5 dvd bin.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that`s not a risk I`m willing to take.
The songs I like always come on when Iām supposed to be getting out of my car.
My son said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7,,, and now I`m terrified to go into the bathroom.
This woman just flipped me off and I couldn`t agree more.
at this point in life I break my life down into 2 time periods B.N and A.N....Before Netflix and After Netflix
It`s not my fault you thought I was normal.
It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them,The police call it indecent exposure but whatever...
If you tell people you used to weigh 500 pounds they`ll tell you how great you look at 250.
Listen lady, if you stopped screaming maybe you would enjoy holding hands with me.
I`m hungry, but I`m not `cook something` hungry.
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.
My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.