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I`m going to start looking for the good in all people I meet this year. Except for the a$$holes.
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I`m right.
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I`m cute, I would have 1 dollar ... thanks mom.
I taught my wife everything she knows about male stupidity.
I saw a bumper sticker today that said "I miss New York", so I smashed their window and snatched their laptop...
What do the letters DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You`re annoying enough as it is
I give movies with 2 stars a 5 on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
I took part in the sun tan world championships this weekend. I got bronze.
In retrospect, I suppose "harder" wasn`t the best choice of a safe word.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
There`s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed...
Not to brag or anything, but I don`t need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
Calories: the little creatures that go into your closet every night and hem the waistline of all your clothes inch by inch
LSD makes users lose weight ... That makes sense. It`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.