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therapy is expensive...vodka is not. need I say more....
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider doing it.
If you blow out the kid`s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I will kill you."
I walked into the bar sober with $42 & walked out drunk with $42. But you`re right fellas, men are smarter than women.
"Size DOES matter", I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
is battling with eyelids
I sleep better naked.. why can´t the flight attendants understand this?
I once had the desire to do something worthwhile with my life. Then I discovered naps.
You don`t have to dress like you`re a handbag, unless you are Lady Gaga.
Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want ... cause you`re not driving.
To all my ex girlfriends. Don`t worry. I`m still an asshole.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mom’s bedroom. I can’t believe it.. She’s a superhero!
"There are singles in your area." - me telling a stripper she forgot some money on the floor
If one door closes and another one opens, seek help your house is haunted.