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My driver`s side window stopped working,,,, So yeah,, I`m probably gonna starve to death..
Sometimes all you need is $100,000
Please don`t wear skinny jeans if you don`t have skinny genes.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I`m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
You are intriguing. You require further stalking, sorry I mean investigation.
"Mary had a little lamb. That`s had." - the wolf
Imagine Ferris Bueller trying so hard not to Instagram his whole day off.
Why are we still testing on animals when there are pedophiles in prison.
Sorry I can`t go out tonight, I can`t find anyone to cover my Facebook shift.
A lie is a great story that someone ruined with the truth.
The most impressive thing about how cowboys used to have showdowns at high noon is that they could get two people to be on time to something
So apparently putting Alkaseltzer in my pocket while I`m getting baptized and pretending I`m the devil is not funny.
Next time you`re down in the dumps...pick me up a spare tire!
Is it too early to start drinking? - some moron with a clock.
My mum`s so old fashioned she thinks LOL = Lots of love. She sent me an SMS saying just to let you know you`re Pa`s in hospital LOL.