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When I die, I don`t want to go sober...
That awkward moment when im in the Airport, I walk through the metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I`d miss you, but I`d still love you."
If my girl didn`t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn`t have said she bought it "for me." Women are confusing.
I only drink on two occasions; when its my birthday and when its not.
I hate it when Iām singing along to a song, and the artist gets it wrong.
Do you realize that Scrooge was essentially water-boarded into changing his outlook on Christmas?
The bears had it right choosing to hibernate all winter.
Be the best you can be, while being the worst that you`re able to get away with.
Breaking news: Newt saw his shadow. Six more weeks of campaigning and attack ads.
Apparently, walking up behind a hot guy in the produce aisle with celery in my hand and whispering "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
Do not put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely.
FACT: Men are much less likely to divulge a secret than women. Probably because they weren`t really listening to begin with.
Beer never asks me if I think another beer is prettier than it.
change your birthday on facebook to today, see how many people say happy birthday for APRIL FOOLS!!!! lol