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10 years from now: “Dad, how did you meet mom? Well, your mom had the hottest profile pic…so I had to friend request that.”
Oops is farting in the elevator and thinking it would be silent.
I don`t care if it`s a kidnapping/murder; if you tell me a monkey will be involved, I`m 97% more likely to participate.
When it comes to tantrums, I throw like a girl.
I bet no one in Africa is allergic to gluten.
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then...
I found the key to happiness ... Stay away from a$$holes.
Once in a while, someone amazing will come into your life. And here I am!
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar* *Snickers*
I always drink responsibility I make sure that someone is responsible for buying me drinks.
Notice how writers don’t rewrite books, how about we stop remaking movies.
I don`t own a thesaurus, is `cock meat` a synonym for `fried chicken`?
If you think buying condoms is awkward, you should try returning them.
Something about summertime brings out the beer guzzling Homer Simpson in me.