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Last night I dreamed I was eating a giant marshmallow. When I woke up in the morning, my pillow was gone...
I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday.
So much to say. So not drunk enough to say it.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
Dont piss me off...I`ll give your number to all the kids and tell them it`s Santa`s hot line!
Adulthood ā Pros: You can now eat ice cream in bed. Cons: This will somehow make you sadder.
I`m thankful for pizza and burgers... and ice cream and bacon and fries and... F*ck it, I`m thankful for food. I love you, food.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
People say that 60 is the new 40. The cop who pulled me over didn`t agree.
I`m fat, but I blame my dog for not exercising me enough.
No matter which path you choose, there will always be some asshole in front of you trying to make a left.
Iād drink a lot less alcohol if a lot less alcohol got me drunk.
To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I`m sorry that I asked if he was a rescue.
Might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery, the odds are about the same
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.