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I don’t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it.
Why do they waste so much money on all the checkout lanes at Walmart, when they only have two of them open at any given time.
Men hang out in bars for one of two reasons: Either they have no wife to go home to, or they do
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Sometimes I miss being in a relationship, but then I look at my wallet and I feel alright again.
Lets be honest. Half of life is messing up and half is frantically trying to fix it.
People are so weird. You reach under the bathroom stall to tie their shoes and they freak out instead of saying thanks.
I hate bugs that fly, jump, crawl, dougie, twerk, 2 step, all that crap.
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine
Madonna is 55 her boyfriend is 22. Tina Turner is 75 her boyfriend is 40. JLo is 42 her boyfriend is 26. Still single? Relax. Your boyfriend hasn`t been born yet.
"We`d be rich if you just said one f*cking word" - me, drunk, talking to my dog
Silence is Golden, but telling some people to go f*ck themselves is PRICELESS...!
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonalds... Not funny, grow up.
My credit score is so bad I have started receiving pre-declined credit card offers
So I danced like no one was watching. My court date is pending.