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The problem with frozen yogurt is that it`s not ice cream.
“Nevermind.” Translation: You should’ve listened the first time.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
I`m getting all dressed up. Have a feeling I might be on COPS tonight.
I figured out the chemical composition of Holy Water. It`s H2OMG
I haven`t been drinking. I know what day it is. I didn`t lose my pants. This might be my car. I know how to drive. -Lies I`ve told to cops.
When someone says “you’re the best,” just know that it’s not really true because I’m the best.
is admitting to pushing Humpty Dumpty, he had it coming!!
Same sex marriage? Heck, I know couples who would be happy with a SOME sex marriage
Accidentally took a women`s multi vitamin & I`ve been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.
“Should I add more liquor?” is the most ridiculous question I’ve ever been asked.
I`ve had enough of my neighbours blasting their music from their backyard. I`m not annoyed cause it`s so loud, i`m annoyed cause they`re Korean & they`ve still yet to play Gangnam Style!
Life is just better when you’re laughing.
My Wife says I talk while I sleep..........but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it
When I was a boy, Mom would send me down to the corner store with $1 and I would get 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, some cheese and 6 eggs. You can`t do that now, to many damn security cameras!