Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don`t know how you eat that sh!t".
A mistress is something between a Mister and a mattress.
"Three blind mice" is probably the most popular nursery rhyme about animal cruelty
My doctor told me to start killing people. Well it wasn`t those exact words. He said I needed to reduce the stress in my life.
Ohh sh!t, my b!tch button is stuck.
The best way to a woman`s heart is by saying three words - You lost weight.
Hey dumb a$$. Not everything I post pertains to you. Just the stuff that starts with Hey dumb a$$.
Of course I can keep a secret. It’s the people I tell it to who can’t.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you, would actually kill me
My New Years Eve = Hangover 4
Even if gas prices go down, I´m still going to siphon gas from my neighbor´s car because I like the adrenaline rush and he´s an a$$hole
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
AWESOME!
My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it`s because she`s a big dumb stinky head that`s jealous of my awesome Transformers collection.