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Taking a nap is so risky. Like, when will I wake up? 30 minutes from now? 2 hours? 12 years? No one can be sure.
If the NSA and IRS teamed up, I wouldn’t have to do my taxes.
It may look like I`m doing nothing, but I`m actively waiting for my problems to go away.
I’d be much more interested in meeting people if I didn’t think most people were idiots.
Step 1: remove food from packaging Step 2: dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time
Its amazing how many people respond to "Hey Dumba$$!"
Spring cleaning: The term that gives us an excuse to only clean once a year.
I`m not a bitch, I just have a low bullsh!t tolerance.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
The best thing about having male genitals is sharing it with people who don`t.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
If you don`t do stupid sh!t while you`re young, you`ll have nothing to talk about later in life while sitting at the bar.
people say that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but it`s the only way I can talk to you.
At any given time my wallet is worth more than its contents.
Years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times