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If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday - it`s because they`ve just killed someone right?
New day, same old bullsh!t
Just because they sell yoga pants in XXL doesn`t mean it`s ok to wear them in public.
I have decided I no longer want to be an adult. So if anyone needs me, I`ll be in my blankey fort... coloring.
My fortune cookie read "End of roll. Replace"
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
I farted on my wallet. Now I have gas money
Is there a 5-second Rule for when you drop babies? ...Asking for a friend. JK people!!! LOL ;)
I wonder how many identical twins are walking around now with the wrong names because their parents got them confused as infants and never figured it out.
If money can’t buy happiness explain pizza.
Dear Car driving 40mph on the highway this morning. It`s only a 1/4“ of snow plus you have a "Jesus Fish" on your bumper. You`ll be just fine.
If I ever post something on Social media sites that`s not funny or clever, That just means someone hacked my account, Just Saying!
The song "Take me out to the Ballgame" is sung almost exclusively by people who are already at a ballgame.
I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the sh!t out of each other because it`s negative.
LIFE HACK: Sneak into doctor`s waiting rooms instead of subscribing to magazines.