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My horoscope started with `are you sitting down?`
If a man speaks at sea where no women can hear, is he still wrong?
Honey, your haters are imaginary. No one wants to be you. I promise.
I don’t need a reason to enjoy a little wine. All I need is a glass.
They should put Prince on the $20 bill and call it $19.99... It`s "The bill formerly known as a twenty."
You`re probably wondering how I post so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
The sperm bank is overpriced to store my stuff so if you come over, don`t use the cloudy ice cubes from the tray labelled "Future Champions"
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend
Some of us are basically unpaid Facebook interns.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great post and think, did I just run someone over?
F is for friends who do stuff without you.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were texting all night with a calculator.
You know what’s easy? ... Opening another beer
Divorce... The most common home improvement project.
This Facebook is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.