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Ever check your Facebook early in the morning where you have to close one eye because the screen is too bright?
I just saw someone by themselves not looking at a phone. Hope they`re ok.
I`ve single handedly defeated my erection.
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!
Never cry over spilt milk. It could`ve been whiskey.
Did you know that one minute of kissing burns 26 calories? No wonder those sluts are so damn skinny.
I’m beginning to think that I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death in my kitchen.
Every time I think I finally have the life I always dreamed of....I wake up.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
I hate when its dark and your brain is all "you know what we haven`t thought about in a while ... demons."
Only you can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
Ever wondered why there’s no window in the airplane’s toilet? Because, really, who’s going to see in?
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time :(
Sex in the City is the prequel to The Golden Girls, right?
Do a little dance... Drink a lot of rum... Fall down tonight...