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My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
I`ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
I feel so stupid for cashing in my retirement account early. But then I always feel stupid using the Coinstar machine.
I give myself the best presents.
FACT: Candy corn is made out of melted down traffic cones.
Still haven`t answered my life`s calling... I`ve always just assumed it dialed the wrong number.
Sleeping is so difficult when you have a world awake in your phone.
Worrying is a waste of time. It doesn’t change anything. It messes with your mind & steals your happiness.
If you hear a roommate having loud sex, a cool thing to do is kick down the door and shout "player 3 has entered the game!"
My wife said to go out and buy something that makes her look hot & sexy for Valentine`s Day! So I got drunk.
Some of you ladies need to ease up on the makeup until we get this clown situation resolved.
Haters can hate all they want... they don`t affect my money.
Just made eye contact with a guy while licking my lips ... I think I need to kill him now.
Don`t have sex man, it leads to kissing and pretty soon you will have to start talking to her..
I swear Hollisters electricity bill must be like $1 a month..