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Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
Thanks to Facebook i now know what everyones bathroom looks like.
I`m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It`s really come in handy this parallelogram season.
There´s a thin line between "I should do a status update about that" and "I should talk to a therapist about that"
The loudest possible way to open a bag of chips is to try and do it quietly.
To make a long story short quit right in the middle.
My doctor asked if any members of you family suffers from insanity, I replied "nope they seem to enjoy it!"
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it?
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like “tiny doll feet scampering into the closet” because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that
I fell asleep with infomercials playing on the TV.... I woke up with a strange desire to do P90X with a Shake Weight while in my Snuggie
I shake my bottled water so the H`s & O`s are evenly distributed.
The beeping noise from microwave is always 100x’s louder at night.
I mostly use Facebook to remember why I stopped hanging out with certain people.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
That time Homer`s arms were stuck in a vending machine until he realized he could just let go is basically what all of life is like