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I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.
My friends are the type of friends that if my house was on fire, they would be over here with marshmallows and hitting on the hot fireman!
In my defense, it was a fantastic idea at 3am...
Irons are like 1000 degrees, who`s bright idea was it to make an ironing board the flimsiest contraption ever made?
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I`m out in public. Thanks.
It’s what’s on the inside that counts, unless you’re talking about one of those hollow chocolate bunnies.
I need a partner in wine.
Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today." Woman: "EXCUSE ME?!" [whispers]"Dear Diary, I think she can hear me."
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit"
The only reason any of us can spell laboratory is because of Dexter.
It`d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Here is a thought for all you mind readers out there…
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys "partying"
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me...
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside