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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Those friends who like and at the same time unlike my statuses please you`re increasing my blood pressure!
I swear, if my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
What`s the nutritional value of an entire tube of cherry Chapstick? Asking for my two year old.
I guess at a job interview "firing you" is not an acceptable answer when asked where I see myself in a few years.
There’s nothing worse than getting $0.99 back in change.
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. “Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you.”
If a Police Officer says, Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence... Your answer should always be, Please don`t hit me again officer...
Gift cards are still the best way to say "I`m too lazy to think of a good gift and I think you`ll buy drugs if I give you cash."
It`s funny how this guy grating cheese over my pasta thinks I`m going to say stop.
Last night I was thrown out of the casino for misunderstanding the use of the Crap table.
When my girlfriend texted me "I`m enjoying 5 guys in bed" I was quite surprised to arrive and find no hamburgers
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets??
Hello... Modeling Agency? Ya, my selfie just got 34 likes I think I`m ready to go pro!