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It`s so hard to find obedient minions
Hurricane preparedness tip: 1. Buy several kegs of beer 2. Drink beer 3. Wait for flooding 4. Drop kegs in water 5. Float to safety....
The condoms need to be located in the baby aisle, next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans
The best part of waking up is.....wait, I didn`t think this through entirely.
Instead of cleaning the house I just watch an episode of Hoarders and I think WOW, my house really looks great.
Me at age 5 "I wish I had a $1" Me at age 10 "I wish I had $100" Me at age 17 "I wish I had $1,000,000" Me at age 26 "I wish I had $1"
If Facebook changed "poke" to "stab" I would use it all the time.
If I didn`t drink, then how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
My name is Fred and I`m a survivor. If you are out there..if anyone is out there. I can provide food/shelter..Anybody please....U are not alone....
I`m not feeling myself today..... Perhaps I should feel someone else.
Within 2 minutes, I can gather enough things to allow me to sit and watch tv without getting up for at least 4 hours... Don`t question my laziness
Onion rings are vegetables. And the Large size counts as two servings.
Women forgive and forget but always make sure you don`t forget that they forgave you and forgot about it.
Opposites attract, that`s the trouble with being awesome
Life is not like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your a$$ tomorrow.