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If you got up this morning and ran straight to fb i am 100% POSITIVE its because you missed me.
I’ve been in this McDonald’s restroom for over an hour, waiting for an employee to wash my hands.
They should have cell phone chargers in waiting rooms instead of magazines.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I’d be like “Sit your translucent ass down, I have a lot of questions!”
I`ll never fly Virgin Airlines. Why would anyone want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way.
Deep down I don`t believe that paper beats rock.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.
Wait,,,, What does it mean when my bride uses air quotes during the vows???
If it wasn`t for pizza delivery, you wouldn`t see me shoveling a walkway.
I bet the guy at the urinal next to me is now rethinking his decision to wear flip flops today.
In retrospect, I suppose "harder" wasn`t the best choice of a safe word.
I don`t let my friends do stupid things... ALONE
You know it`s getting bad when the voices in your head start texting you
I`ve done it in the bathroom, I`ve done it in the bedroom, I`ve done it in the kitchen, on the couch, outside, in the bus, yoo I just can`t seem to stop this texting.:)