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Don’t tell me what to do unless you’re naked.
Wife is out of town until tomorrow night. Anyone wanna come sit on the other end of the sofa and ignore me?
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Aren`t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know...The birth of Santa
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny, AND thin ... It`s a public service really.
If I could have anything in the world it would be to have the same finger prints as my enemy
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come into work.
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happened to me, only with beer.
If you don’t count any of my failures, I’m quite successful.
If I`m carrying a torch for you it`s only because I want to set you on fire.
If you tickle me, I’m not responsible for your injuries.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
UFC is 10% fighting, and 90% advertising the next fight
Me in a shopping mall: "I like that stuff" *looks at pricetag* "i don`t like it anymore"
If you want to talk to me on the phone, I need at least three days notice.