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Whenever I see people doing sign language, I assume they are discussing the best way to murder the rest of us and steal our ears.
I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become
If you can’t laugh at yourself, call me… I’ll do it.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself; everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth that it brings.
Send a man to the store to get 5 items, he will come home with 4. Send a woman to the store to get 5 items she will come home with 54. Its science.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
If you`re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
I`m surprised kids haven`t found a way to trick or treat online yet
I don`t use my cell phone in the car... I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. -Me with beer, me without beer
When you "pretend speak" to someone in the background while ordering takeout so that the restaurant doesn`t judge your big order for one.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
I lost 3 pounds over the weekend, but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut
Skinny people are bitches. Probably because they`re hungry.