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My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
Life is basically trying to meet better people than the ones you currently know.
Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space
Shouldn`t there have been one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel`s mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man`s shed?"
It must be annoying for nudists when they have to clean their glasses
If I didn`t procrastinate, I probably wouldn`t do anything at all.
The iPhone 5S: Because the NSA wants your thumbprint now too.
I think I have an urge to get up and clean the house. Wait...no, false alarm.
The worst job to have right about now would be that of a realtor in Ferguson.
I didn`t get drunk enough last night, I can still remember working.
I don`t even think it`s possible for a bear to cook porridge.
Before telling me to listen to my heart you may want to check that it isn`t telling me to kick you in the shin!
Adding "and sh!t" at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.
B!tch, please! You`re so fake, even barbie is jealous of you
Apparently my "Please STFU" face bears a strong resemblance to my "Oh, Please Keep Talking" face.