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St. Patricks day is the only time you can ask somebody in public,"Do you want some green" without you looking suspect.
I’ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
When I say “the other day” I could mean yesterday or 5 years ago there’s no in between.
New Years Eve. It takes 24,367 bolts to put a car together and only 1 nut to spread it all over the road, please don`t drink and drive and become the nut
It’s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
Ya, Wednesday sucks but… it could be Monday!
Ah man... i don`t have any notifications... better go check another computer
It may look like I`m doing nothing, but I`m actively waiting for my problems to go away.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated...go figure.
Thanks for accepting my friend request on Facebook, even though is was solely so I could gain full access to your profile and judge your life choices.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much shit to carry.
According to Debrah in HR, "Back up off my balls" is not the proper way to tell someone to wait for assistance.
Everyone’s beautiful on the inside. Some people just need a few good stab holes to let that beauty out.
Never look directly at the people having a sizzling plate of fajitas delivered to their table... It’s what they want.
A stress ball, made of concrete, and to throw at the person who`s stressing you out.