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Stress balls really work when you shove them down someone`s throat.
Im a leader not a follower... unless its a dark place then f*ck that your going first!
I`m not a doctor but I play one on Match.com
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess
There’s too much blood in my caffeine system
It makes sense that animals pee on something to mark their territory. I mean if someone peed on something, most people would be like, "Eww, okay. That`s yours now."
Dear New Years Resolutions People; You don`t have to wait for the New Year to get your sh*t together and become a better person.
Ordering a water with lemon says “I’m too cheap to buy a drink, but I still like a little zing.”
Wish I turned into a wolf every month instead of getting my period
If someone says “you’re funny” instead of laughing, you’re not.
I feel pretty confident that if anyone ever steals my identity, they will inevitably improve my credit score…
I bet the guy at the urinal next to me is now rethinking his decision to wear flip flops today.
Don`t hate me because I`m beautiful. Hate me because your man thinks I am.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard
Alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is, "why were you barely conscious on the kitchen floor eating dog food?"