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The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
I hope I never have to run for my life. It wouldn’t end well.
A broken clock is right twice a day. I guess what I am saying is, that a broken clock is right more than you.
I wash once and dry 3-4 times, depending on how much I want to delay folding my clothes.
No PornHub, I would NOT like to share this video with my friends and family on Facebook.
I don`t know what is longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast.
Hey people who buy bottled water for their dogs, can I have some money?
That awkward moment when your parents don’t appreciate the hilarious child they have.
If the liquor store didn`t want me to drink all their alcohol than they never should have put a help wanted sign in the window.
I wish I could pick which brain cells the alcohol kills....There`s ALOT of crap I wish I could forget about.....
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever....
YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME is not a good thing to say to your boss.
I always have a note in my pocket that says "john did it" just in case I`m murdered because I don`t want him to remarry
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks