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That urge you get to write “No one gives a crap” on someone’s status.
Nothing says “I hate you” like giving someone’s child a drum set.
I love it when I Google something I should know the answer to and find out 308 people are just as dumb as I am.
Was there even food before people started posting pictures of it on Instagram?
"Being naked isn`t fun" - said no one ever.
"There`s a sleeping person. Let`s go ask it questions." – Children
I`m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they`ve won the Canadian lottery.
I`ve never done any mistake twice... three, four times may be!
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice ... it`s cuz you have really nice tits.
Just because I’m smiling, doesn’t mean I don’t want to hit you in the face.
"You`re so cute!" works as a response to anything my girl says 99% of the time when I`m not listening which is 99% of the time.
The toughest decision I will make today is bottle or draft.
My doctor said I should eat better. I told him, with what he charges, I’m lucky I eat at all.
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you’re hot.
Daylight Saving Time rocks. It even makes laziness sound impressive. I did nothing for 24 hours? Not today. I did nothing for 25 hours!