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My car is so old the high beam switch is on the floor...
I feel ready to face the world as a responsible adult now that I`ve taken today`s gummy vitamins.
Life would be so much better if there were piñatas strategically placed throughout my day.
Out of all the lies I`ve ever told, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
Your license plate should be your phone number... So when you drive like a dumbass, I can let you know about it.
I put a pair of boots in the bathroom stall at work so nobody else will use the stall that I like to use.
A guy outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I told him, I feel like it would take longer than that
ah... Crocs the 21st century version of the chastity belt
It`s a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad.
"2 weeks with my baby xoxoxo" lol,calm down romeo&juliet.
I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "the Illuminaughty".
Give a man a fish and he`ll go to McDonald`s instead. Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald`s
Trying to get in shape for all those people I`m not having sex with.
Car alarms should sound like two chicks in a fight. I`d look out the window for that.
A sheep spends it`s entire life fearing the wolf only to be eaten by the Shepherd.