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I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
How long do I have to wear these skinny jeans before they start working?
Caterpillars have the ideal life. They eat a lot and then sleep for a while and wake up beautiful.
Our phone falls, we panic... our friends fall, we laugh.
Alcohol: Because no good story starts with “So this one time I was eating a salad….”
Proof that getting kicked in the nuts is worse than giving birth. Girls often say, yeah I`d have another baby. Guys never ask to get kicked in the nuts again.
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
I don`t get why people find drunk text annoying
Turtles make an awesome jogging buddy.
You may think it`s bad grammar but I assure you it`s just laziness.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Avoid hangovers: stay drunk ;)
The problem with money is too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.
Sneezing when you pee is only recommended when you`re in a public toilet.