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I don`t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
I didn´t outsmart you. You just outdumbed me.
u smile i smile u laugh i laugh u cry i`ll go get a bat and say who`s gonna get it
I`ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
There was a HUGE spider in the shower.. So I ran into the living room screaming naked.. Now my daughters` friends probably won`t be allowed over anymore..
Cake and pie can’t compete. If you put candles in a cake it’s birthday cake. Put candles in a pie and someone’s drunk in the kitchen.
I want to live in a world where the Food Network delivers.
And all this time I thought a chickpea was when women went to the bathroom in groups.
Top three reasons he doesn`t text you back: 1. He`s just not that into you 2. He`s imaginary 3. He`s a cat
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
Gently placing your finger on someone’s lips and saying, “Shh, not another word,” is super romantic but cops don’t seem to think so.
You can either be right, or you can be the husband.
Do Me: a favor. - Punctuation is important.
Little known fact: Walt Disney was the inventor of modern day text talk "M - I - C... C u real soon... K - E - Y... Y? Because we like u"
has a Massive drinking problem ... there is no alcohol in the house!