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My wife says "YOU`RE DRUNK!" like it is a bad thing.
Sports commentators need to stop saying penetrate
Junk food would be a lot easier to avoid if it actually tasted like junk.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
If you have alphabet fridge magnets and morals, you probably shouldn`t invite me over.
Is snaxting a thing? Texting each other pics of your snacks? Cause I feel like I’d be pretty good at that.
what is the difference between a Fly and a mosquito? ``A fly can fly, But a Mosquito can`t mosquito``
Hey,,,, I said I`d be there in 10 minutes... Quit calling me every half hour.
Paintball is much more fun when the other people at Walmart don’t know we are playing.
Alcohol doesn`t get people drunk, people get people drunk. Drunk people get other drunk people extra drunk.
If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra.
The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is "compost."
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why I fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again.
One dog was admiring another dog`s leash, and said, "I admire your restraint."
One problem with auto-correct is that you always end up posting some thong you didn`t Nintendo.