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It`s what`s on the inside that counts... *Except chocolate covered raisins.
I purposely bought the same grill my neighbor has, so every time it needs to be cleaned, I just switch them at night.
Honestly, it`s not the way I look that reveals my age. It`s my use of complete sentences, proper grammar and spelling when I text.
"I have no idea. Why don`t you just Google it?" —My answer to just about every question I`m ever asked
Hope you don`t mind if I make transformer sound effects when we switch positions.
If I owned a pet store Id put a different rat in the turtle cage every night just to see if any of the turtles knew karate the next morning.
Awkward moment when you just wanted a sugar daddy but becomes the First Lady of America!
Bored? Text "Our condom broke." to a random number
I have some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.
Really offended that these microwave instructions told me to turn my burrito over gently like I don`t treat every burrito with the utmost respect
My wife says I should use the term "make love" instead of "f*ck.". What the make love is she talking about?
Breasts are like model trains. They were originally meant for children but grown men always want to play with them.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn`t care.....Ceiling fan: 6 Me: 0
They should`ve added "Might lose a lot of sleep" in Facebook`s terms & conditions before signing up.
Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is "limo window partition" between the front and back seat not an option yet?