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If I’ve offended you, please accept my apology. Then smack yourself in the face for getting offended by something on the Internet.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts...it would be very creepy.
I was sad, because I had no shoes. Until I met a man that had no feet. So, I took his shoes, cuz hey, he wan`t using them anyway!
Me:"I had a dream about you." Girlfriend:"Awwwwww." Me:"Yeah, you died."
Just found out What the Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"
For the record when I was a kid I never wanted to be an adult.
"Why haven`t you been answering my pigeons?" - 17th century sext
Wouldn`t it be ironical to die in a living room?
If at first you don`t succeed, you should have done it my way in the first place.
I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.
I need to borrow someones kid for Halloween. I miss free candy.
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn`t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
So apparently the security guard at Kroger didn`t believe that life gave me that lemon.
Gravity didn`t seem this strong twenty-five years ago.