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You call the shots. I`ll drink them.
Just once I`d like to yell, "Don`t you know who I am?!" because I`m important, not because I`m drunk and actually forgot.
When I want to trim down my friend`s Facebook list I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
I`m at my neighbor`s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Anyone want to come over and watch porn on my new flat screen mirrior?
Kicking a man while he’s down burns 150 calories.
Sometimes I like to take a roll of duct tape and use it to cover up all the Mondays on my desk calendar.
News flash, ladies. Men are settling for you, too.
You don`t have to be crazy to work here ... We`ll train you.
Yawning is our body`s way of saying 10% of battery remaining.
Being a camera must be pretty cool. You get to sleep until there`s something cool to see.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn`t work any better.
Pumpkin for sale! [slightly used]
Pretending to be a functioning adult is exhausting.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive. Then a voice in my head says, " hahaa, good one!" Then we laugh and laugh and take a nap.