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PRINCIPAL: are you the new english teacher? TEACHER: yes i are.
Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don`t make enough money to have a drug habit.
Today I think I`ll go to a public restroom and wait until someone leaves, then click your stopwatch and write something down in a notebook.
Balloons think they’re so cool. I tried to tell one he was leaking and he just said, “Pfft.”
I ran out of coffee this morning, whisky seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
So far I’ve spent most of 2016 flipping off the weather channel.
Ah man... i don`t have any notifications... better go check another computer
FB friends, no one gives a ratsass what concerts you went to...
A cool thing about being in a relationship is that when you make a mistake you get to hear about it over and over.
Ya know once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it´s hard to get it back in.
Don`t know what to get your husband for Christmas? Whatever you give him, give it to him naked. Problem solved
When blondes have more fun do they know it?
I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.
Pro Tip: If you knock on the door to a bathroom stall and someone says "one second," wait more than one second before entering.
If you didn`t want me looking in your bedroom than you never should have put your window at the same height as my ladder.