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Got into a vicious battle with quite possibly the World`s Largest Spider. The outcome? Well, I`m updating my Facebook status this morning.... He isn`t.
Cops don’t like it when they tell you to put your hands up in the air...then you wave them like you just don’t care.
You had me at "I hate that b!tch too".
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of in is.
If a man says you’re ugly he’s being mean. If a woman says you’re ugly she’s envious. If a little kid says you’re ugly, you’re ugly.
The list of things I won’t eat if covered in chocolate gets smaller everyday.
Today is a great day. The mailman just delivered me an Iron Maiden cassette, which finally fulfills my Columbia House commitment.
I wish these people who sing songs on the radio would learn the words to the song, they keep messing me up!!
I like long walks on the beach and drives through Taco Bells drive-thru.
When things get to stressful I hit the jim.......... Beam.
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, sex with strangers. You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad"
Announcement: .. the Time Travelers Meeting scheduled for today will be held last Thursday
I wish my wallet came with free refills.
What did I get for Christmas? Fat...
I wonder if these beers are performance enhancing. I’m feeling pretty awesome!!