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Gas prices are a lot like girls: We just wish they would go down.
I feel like the majority of Eminem`s songs are just him reading from his diary with angry background music.
It`s funny to watch all these people Bumping Up their own posts.
Whenever I move into a new neighborhood, the first thing I familiarize myself with is the liquor store coz you know priorities.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
I overheard this guy bragging about his fancy hotel sweet. Ptttsht. They are nothing but cheap a$$ mints!
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming for their lives like the passengers in the back of his truck
Legally, it`s questionable .. Morally, it`s disgusting .. Personally, I love it. ;)
Police officer: Ma`am do you know why I pulled you over? Me: I`m just as confused as you are.
Interesting fact: Prior to the creation of hummus and ranch dressing nobody ate uncooked vegetables.
I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.
Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those meds.
It`s hard to write a good drinking song. I can never make it past the first few bars.
She heard me call her a bitch so now I have 100 problems.
Constantly losing socks in the laundry but finding change. So logically there has to be a sock fairy.