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I need to find a way to be asleep but still get all my work done.
Sleeping alone is a complete waste of my sexual talent.....
A hospital is the only commercial establishment where the worse service they provide you, the more you`ll come back.
What do you call a dog with no hind legs? Dragon Balls.
Someone’s therapist knows all about you.
Dear God, thank you for all the animals, and plants, and insects, but were spiders really necessary?
I get as much action as a white crayon.
Being an adult is mostly being exhausted, wishing you hadn`t made plans, and wondering how you hurt your back.
Walmart needs observation decks.
Got a new Juicer. Going to Juice all these delicious organic vegetables I got ... then add Vodka ... Don`t judge...
If someone doesn`t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don`t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
The club sandwich, for when a knuckle sandwich just isn`t enough...
When your wife says she needs a new broom it`s best not to ask if she broke the last one in a crash landing.
I hear they designed the newest iPhone to fit perfectly in your hand, right where your money used to be.
I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I`ll get ripped in 15 minutes