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Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Life would be so much better if there were piñatas strategically placed throughout my day.
I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me.
Sober me makes plans and drunk me cancels them. Its a good system.
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my GF how her day was.
It`s hard to diet when your favorite exercise is chewing...
You are intriguing. You require further stalking, sorry I mean investigation.
She looks like the kind of girl that brings a suitcase on the first date.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
I was filling out this form when one of the questions asked "What level is your maturity?" I didn`t fill it out cause I couldn`t find my crayons!!
I could really go for a vegetable sandwich! Maybe some tomatoes, some spinach, cucumbers... With cheese. And a hamburger patty. And bacon. Ok I really want a bacon cheeseburger.
I still like going into Burger King and ordering a McWhopper and a McFry.
Breast awareness month: we stare because we care
A good way to break up with a girl gently, is to curtsy when you`re meeting her father instead of shaking his hand.
I wish there was a way to find out how many boners you’ve caused in a lifetime, I wanna check my stats.