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Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re my bartender & you say "This guy looks like he needs another double vodka martini" then please do..
Swag is for boys. Class is for men.
I`m not an alcoholic I just have a lot of things to celebrate.
There`s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
You should see the sh!t I don`t post.
Calm down ... Take a deep breath and hold it for about 30 minutes.
If you can´t amaze people with your intelligence, confuse them with your bullsh*t
On Mondays I like to reply to all my bosses emails with `unsubscribe`
Don’t get me wrong. I totally hear what you’re saying…I just don’t care.
It`s kind of weird that beams of electricity strike down from the sky and we`re all just okay with it.
The reason dogs look confused when you open the refrigerator door is because they`re thinking "Why don`t you just eat ALL the food?"
Talk to your kids about drugs. Maybe they have better connections than you.
The real trouble with reality is that there`s no background music.
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come in thinking “I’m gonna ki..-ahhh. Damn, he’s under a blanket.”
Stop leaving me messages. If I ever wanted to talk to you again, I wouldn’t have borrowed all that money.